6 Superheroes Also Crippled By An Absent Father

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Everyone knows that Batman wouldn’t be the crippled mess of a man if his family was still around. I mean Bruce Wayne (OOPS SPOILER ALERT) would just be a regular rich playboy living it up like any other obscenely wealth guy (staging bum fights and murdering exotic animals on safari) if his dad was around to show him the ropes like how to catch a football (from a disgraced QB not on his ‘security’ payroll), how to drive (a Lamborghini into a swimming pool) and how to sneak around to have sex (with a sex worker). Sadly, without a present father he just dresses up in bondage gear and takes his anger out on unsuspecting hoodlums each night in Gotham City.

Batman isn’t the only superhero with this patriarchal problem. It’s a common trope in modern comics, and you may be surprised the following super heroes have turned into murderous monsters  thanks to their deadbeat dads. Just like you.

Luke Cage

There’s no politically correct way to say this: Luke Cage is from the hard streets of Harlem, so of course his dad wasn’t around to raise him properly because writers are lazy and stereotypes are easy. Pop culture teaches us that his dad was probably real scared of the gang-infested neighborhood and bolted. Some say that Cage’s crime fighting nature comes from his obsession to find his father hiding in the mean streets of the city, like a really long game of hide-and-seek which frustrated the hero into beating gang members into submission.

Spider-Man

You know what kind of crappy advice you get when your dad is not around? Here it is: “With great power, comes great responsibility.” Wow, gee, thanks for the inspiration UNCLE BEN, why not cook us up some rice? If Peter Parker’s dad was around, maybe we would have had a godly Spider-Man instead of a dorky kid with commitment issues. Heck that radioactive spider that bit Peter Parker probably would have had something more relevant to say, like “putting webs in high traffic areas will mean you have to do less work to catch things.” (THANKS WISDOM-SPIDER!)

Iron Man

Iron Man’s dad was too busy making his own bad ass weapons to raise little Tony Stark and the result was predictable. Tony became a rebel. A punk. You know, one of those heavy metal/death metal junkies. Literally headbanging his heart out through his teenage years, Stark found his love for metal again as an adult, hence his super hero name: IRON Man. Oh yeah and maybe there’s some minor thing about a piece of shrapnel being stuck in his chest, but that can happen to everyone, absent dad or not.

Hulk

As a scientist, Bruce Banner probably knew that the harmful gamma radiation can only be stopped by one thing: a healthy childhood. It must have slipped his mind or who knows, maybe he was always intent on trying to prove that theory wrong (you know how these scientists are) but boom the worst case scenario happened: he had no father, and then he became radically changed by the effects of too much exposure to gamma radiation.

As a result, whenever Banner transforms into the Hulk, he also loses all inhibitions and acts on primal instinct, which normally for men is to spread their wild seed and raise offspring. However, since Banner never had a normal childhood with a strong male role model, he just becomes very angry and destroys everything, which sometimes results in crime also being destroyed.

Superman

Sure, we hear you, Superman’s parents did what they could for him, sending him off to another planet as theirs was facing destruction. But c’mon now, let’s be real: there’s a chance Kal-El’s parents didn’t want him at all and tried to just blast him off-planet forever, but got the coordinates wrong. In fact, we’re certain that during some heated moments in Kent household, that’s exactly what his adopted parents told him.

This “your parents didn’t even want you” taunt is what fuels Superman’s bouts of inconsolable rage at times, and results in the excess collateral damage the boy in blue is known for.

Green Arrow

If Green Arrow had a dad growing up, he’d probably have probably have taken him on some hunting trips to get this bow-and-arrow obsession out of him… or at least he would have taught the kid how to shoot a gun so he wouldn’t end up maiming his opponents with gnarly arrows.

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