7 Great Birthday Parties For One

As you get older, you also get more alone. There’s really no way around the hard fact that the longer you’re alive, the fewer the people who want to spend any time with you beyond what is absolutely necessary in the workplace or at family reunions.

Big boys don’t cry, but they do still have birthdays, and that can be especially rough when your annual party guest list includes the pizza guy and your landlord asking you to please turn down the Backstreet Boys. Here are 10 great birthday party ideas for one that will help keep you from blowing your brains out before the big 3-0.

1. Fly To Vegas

As soon as you get there, empty your wallet into the fountain at the Bellagio, and then fly back home.

2. Launch A Kickstarter

How much does one of the sex-bots from Japan cost again? You know, the ones that can be trained to hold a knife, and cry, and ignore you, and eventually kick you out of your own apartment? Find out, and make that the goal.

3. Just Plan A Normal Party

Send out the e-invites, text your ‘contact list,’ make a Facebook event, decorate the house, bake a cake, get all dressed up, and then spend the evening watching Star Trek: The Next Generation re-runs because no one ever comes to anything you ever plan anyway.

4. Go To The Zoo

There’s the one monkey that always seems to listen to you, and never judges you, no matter what. As long as you stay on your side of the glass and he stays on his – keeping nature’s bargain in place – this still counts as a party for one.

5. Sign Up For A Cruise

Nothing’s better than being completely alone on your birthday other than being completely alone on your birthday surrounded by thousands of happy people who may or may not be on the verge of food poisoning.

6. Walk The Streets All Night Long

Admit it. You claim it helps clear your head, but really, you’re just looking for a hobo you can pay $10 so he’ll punch you in the face and make you feel at least something on this most special of days.

7. Drunk Dial Your High School Crush

Well, it’s not really them, is it – it’s their parent’s place. Because they haven’t talked to you since high school, and high school was 10 years ago. How do you even still have this number? Did you get it tattooed on your – oh wait. Your did. Nevermind. Happy birthday.

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