7 Sports You Can Beat LeBron James At
NBA Champion, Finals MVP and Kia shill LeBron James is hitting the hard court for his 13th season as a pro and you can already bet that he’s going to be a dominant force, making the 82 game grind seem like a romantic walk down the beach.
As we all know at this point, LeBron as unstoppable as the bomb-rigged bus in Speed. When it comes to his area of expertise – basketball – he does it all: scoring, defending, playmaking, cheerleading, recruiting, managing, coaching, issuing press releases, running the team’s social media profiles, and of course winning games.
But did you know that James isn’t as unflappable as you think he is? While ultra-athletic, he isn’t cut out to dominate just any sport, so we put together a quick list of activities that you’ll clearly be able to beat King James at.
James just isn’t built for racing. Not only is it nearly impossible to find a racecar that would fit his 6”8 frame but weight could be a huge issue too. In motorsports, weight is the enemy, and every extra ounce is an enemy of speed. (Burger) King James is listed at a whopping 250 lbs., on a good day, meaning you’d have about 100 lbs. on him, if you were to ever find a car that he could race in. In fact LeBron probably can’t even hang with your tuned and slammed Civic Si on the street. Consider LeBron has that crappy Kia, and Honda’s always beat Korean cars, this is an easy win in your favor.
The bigger you are, the larger your strike zone is. Sorry LeBron, but three strikes and you’re out! Oh yeah, and considering LeBron is perpetually chasing the career of NBA legend Michael Jordan, James would just inherently end up being terrible at baseball only to return back to the NBA to try and win some more championships. To quote the snarky announcers in Space Jam: “Baseball bat? Get this guy a tennis racquet!”
James is a strong guy, as proven by his drives to the hole, but some sports aren’t completely defined by strength. James lanky size will make him easy to topple over and pin, meaning it’s unlikely to see him snag a gold medal in the internationally recognized sport.
However, James flops and dramatic complaints on the court could help him land a sweet gig with the WWE. We already have some good ideas for finishing moves for LeBron, like the “LeBron Lariat” or the “King James Jump-Kick.” Call us LeBron, we can be your managers and help you get the Heavyweight Championship belt. It’ll pair nicely with the NBA Rings and Trophies
Guy’s Grocery Games
Not only would LeBron have a tough time physically navigating through a grocery store, but also since he often tasks his assistant to do his shopping, the Cavaliers Captain will probably have a tough time finding all the ingredients for each challenge. If he does, however, you may be in a world of hurt, as LeBron is known to be a talented chef with a distinguished palate.
Due to his rough transition from Miami to Cleveland, LeBron has resorted to cooking his own medianoche, ropa vieja and pernil asado con mojo. The guy clearly has a thing for Cubans, I mean what else is he going to smoke after he beats the Warriors for the NBA Championship this year. When it comes to Guy’s Grocery Games though, you have to make sure Fieri and James aren’t slipping each other any tips, as celebrities are known to do. We don’t need tampering messing up the innocence of GGG!
Tug of War
LeBron’s always had a tough time getting a team around him. Even during his time in Miami when he was surrounded with fellow all-stars Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade there was limited success. In a similar vein, his current team in Cleveland also has its ups and downs. Expect this trend to continue with his Tug-of-War team, which would probably be poorly assembled and lacking the excellent chemistry that you and your co-workers, obscure family members and that random guy you got off Craigslist.
C’mon, there’s no chance LeBron has a chance against a 300 pound Japanese warrior sporting a Mawashi. Although, LeBrons biggest sponsors are loving the idea of putting their logos on LeBron’s Japanese loin-cloth, particularly around the groin area.
You know what they say about guys with big feet: usually, something about their dick size, but the real cliché statement is that big-footers have a tough time finding their way on a rock-climbing wall. With a shoe size of 15 LeBron clearly has some massive hoofs, but not the kind that would transform him into an elegant rock climbing mountain goat.
While his reach would certainly be a huge asset when scaling the rocks, finding a foothold would be a difficult task for the NBA forward. Unless of course all the NBA refs are around to help him out while he complains. “Oh here LeBron, just step on my back.” “Oh here you go King James, a ladder to the top of the wall!” It’s just the same old crap from number 23.