7 Ways to Recover From a Crappy Handshake

Delivering a shitty, weak, sweaty handshake is a harrowing experience that almost every man has gone through. It can break your strike, crack your confidence and make your dick shrivel and fall off, metaphorically speaking. (medically speaking that can still happen too, if you keep using that tile putty as lube.)

Still, you can recover from a dud of a handshake, if you’re skilled enough and if the right opportunities present themselves, so keep your eyes open and be sure to memorize this guide.

1. Explain “that’s how they do it in the opposite hemisphere”

To sell this you have to subtly start talking in a new accent. An easy one to nail convincingly is Australian. Every “i” noise just becomes an “oi” noise, every “a” sound into an “aye” and just drop “er” sounds altogether. Just hit them with this: “Oi jus’ cayme from the southeyn hemoisphay, and thayets how we do oit theaya!” Crisis avoided, except you now have to keep up this accent for the rest of your life whenever this person is around. It’s also a useful excuse to use when your mother girlfriend catches you masturbating with your left hand.

2. Hands of a sex god

Great deals on sexual aids and supplements are always landing in everyone’s inbox, but no one actually takes them up on it. This means you can say you tried this pill last night that made your hand an epic piece of finger-banging hardware, but has a “cooldown” side effect that results in shitty grip for a full day afterwards. Also explain that all that sexual activity is why your hand has that smell and is unusually moist.

3. You just hand pressed like 260 lbs.

Just like those pussies who grip the hand rail really tightly when walking up the two steps in the lobby of the office saying “Leg day, amirite?” You just gotta channel that kind of gym bro and say “hand day, amirite?” and squeeze your hand in the air as if you’ve got an imaginary pair of sized-for-Shaq hand grips. They’ll get the picture. And ff they don’t get the picture, simply sketch it out!

4. Who does handshakes anymore?

Flipping the script is the easiest way to get out of this awkward feeling. Say that handshakes are so ‘90s and that everyone fist bumps, elbow taps or does that European cheek kissing thing now (although you can fuck that up too if you use tongue, so beware!) An easy way to convince the other person is to use a scientific fact like ‘palm on palm contact spreads 90 percent of all cases of swine flu.’ Although we all know you got swine flu from a rural Tinder date gone wrong.

5. Why are YOUR hands so sticky?

Following up on the last strategy, you should look at the other person and go “eww, what did you just come from the bathroom?” The key to perfecting this move is the facial expression where you’re disgusted at the fact that you might have made contact with the other person’s bodily fluids, when in-fact it’s what you’ve been day dreaming about ever since you two locked eyes.

6. You’re just getting over mono.

Mono is a great excuse for anything. Don’t want to work for six months? Say you have mono! Afraid of showing commitment after 12 dates with that girl who’s way too into you? Say you recently had mono! Don’t want to help your arthritis-ridden dad with simple garden chores? Just blame mono! In the office, you can totally blame your craptacular handshake on this versatile illness.

7. A terrible joke about shaking a dead fish.

“Holy Carp was that one dead on arrival or what?!” or something like that. Everyone loves self depreciating humor, except when you’re meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time, and he’s the hardest working, nicest hardhat-wearing motherfucker you’ll never be able to impress. His handshake was like a bench vise and it just tenderized those flanges at the end of your hands. Well, I guess it’s time to find a new love of your life and father figure.

 

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