8 Situations Totally Not Escalated By Your Open Container, Bro
1. Your confrontation with mall security, while wearing a Santa suit, when the real mall Santa refused to engage in a ‘test of strength’ with you in front of a line of horrified children.
2. Your dispute with the Wendy’s cashier about whether she handed you back your change or not, when you had actually tried to pay with a gift card from Starbucks.
3. Your court appearance for the improper disposal of 3,000 gallons of level 3 human waste.
4. Your on-stage appearance at your 16 year old daughter’s karaoke birthday party to sing the theme song from ‘M*A*S*H.’
5. Your decision to address the arresting officer as ‘chief.’
6. Your inability to remember the words to the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ at your nephew’s little league game, and your subsequent stubborn refusal to relinquish the mic to someone who did.
7. Your eight-hour crying jag after you realized you had let your dog drive your kids to school, and now your dog has been granted full custody over your son and daughter until you get your shit together, bro.
8. Your decision to combine happy hour with the voting booth, and subsequent appearance on an FBI watch-list due to your write-in candidate ‘Mr. A. Hole’ actually being the alias for one of Al-Qaeda’s top lieutenants.