9 Things She Tells Her Friends About You Behind Your Back
9. That time she poured a gallon of hand sanitizer on your laptop after you left your browser history open while you were in the shower.
8. That time you woke her up by crying gentle, sweet tears on her nipples because she just looked so radiantly beautiful, and she slapped you and told you to ‘sleep like a man, for fuck’s sake!’ before rolling over and continuing to ignore your tender, beautiful feelings, not even realizing that you were still inside of her or that she had initiated the entire encounter.
7. That time you were driving her to work and you hit that crossing guard but no one saw it happen and so both of you just decided not to say anything at all but it’s been two years now and you both know he had a family and she had to tell someone so now her friends are also burdened with this knowledge and could end you at any time.
6. That time you shaved your pubic hair in the shape of a heart but you did it upside down so it looked more like a melting pear and she thought you were making fun of her hips and you didn’t have sex for two months. Well, didn’t have sex with each other, anyway.
5. That time she stapled your hand to the table when you suggested an open relationship, and left you in the food court at Ikea for six hours before coming back to check and see if you had ‘learned your lesson.’
4. That time you both saw an eagle steal a baby from a stroller at Yellowstone National Park and how you convinced her that it was probably just an optical illusion, and that eagles can’t do that kind of thing, and your forgot about it until you both watched Planet Earth together and then you had those nightmares about bald eagles for six months.
3. That time you went to couples therapy and she made you wear a suit made entirely out of black balloons, and popped each one, one at a time, while she made her various points about why your low self esteem was ‘sabotaging your intimacy.’
2. That time you came home and found Matthew Perry naked and passed out on the couch and she swore that ‘nothing happened we just talked all night.’
1. That time she used a potato at Whole Foods to describe to you what her ex-boyfriend/boss’s penis looked like when flaccid.