Are You Masturbating Wrong? According To 7/11 Surveillance Footage, Yes

Half Naked Young Man In Bed Looking Down At His Underwear

Hey, you there – the one beating your meat. You’re doing it all wrong. How do we know? It’s easy. After analyzing hours upon hours of surveillance footage (seriously dude, you’re going to wear it out), we’ve come to the same conclusion you’ve been secretly afraid of since you hit puberty: not only are you terrible at pleasuring members of the opposite sex, but you can’t even get self-love right.

Don’t worry. Dr. Eric McAdams, an endocrinologist, has been righting the wrongs of terrible masturbators almost as long as the Catholic church has been shaming us for having impure thoughts. Here are his tips on correcting what science has labeled ‘idiosyncratic masturbation,’ but what we just term ‘calloused dick.’

Relax That Grip, Cowboy

An iron grip might guarantee an orgasm even when wanking it out on your morning jog, but chances are those steel fingers are choking off blood vessels and creating unrealistic expectations as to what the elasticity of the human pussy is actually capable of. Loosen up! This same advice goes for avoiding vacuum cleaners, baseball mitts, toilet paper rolls, that dirty, slutty knot-hole in the tree in the park, anthills, lengths of pipe at the hardware store, those arm-wrestling love test machines at the arcade, and your ‘customized’ fleshlight.

Turn Off The Lights

What’s hotter than jerking off? Jerking off in the dark. I mean, you can’t see anything, so it could be anyone steadily stroking your bruised, ill-tempered cock. Kill the lights, whip it out, and give yourself a shot at breaking the routine – and then imagine your partner’s face crying because you did this in the middle of dinner with his or her parents.

Find A Coach

Remember in Little League when they had a coach standing there on the third base line helpfully telling you whether to ‘hold up’ or ‘go for home?’ A sex therapist is sort of like that coach, except he or she probably won’t also touch you. Still, if you search Craigslist long enough, you can probably find a few older gentlemen who’d happily stand beside your bed and critique your self-sexing technique, all for the low, low price of your dignity.

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