Are You Possessed Or Is It Just Bad Gas? 3 Classic Demonic Signs
How can you tell whether the feeling of eternal darkness and intense pain in your chest is due to the interventions of the unholy attempting to take over your body and soul, or just a typical reaction to those ill-advised post-midnight nachos you absolutely had to pig out on?
It’s not always easy to separate the machinations of the Dark Prince from surging stomach acid, which is why we put together this guide to the 3 classic signs that you’re going to need a crucifix, not Tums, to tackle this particular demon.
1. You’re Bleeding From Your Eyes, Not Your Anus
You don’t need a doctor to tell you that bleeding from any orifice is a bad sign, but nor do you need a priest to tell you that any thick, red, ghost-pepper-smelling liquid gushing out your asshole is probably related to tacos rather than Tzantinzmmanynzm, Whore Lord of the Seventh Ring of Hell. If you’re staring into the mirror through a red-tinged lens, however, or crying tears of blood during the climax of ‘Practical Magic,’ it’s virtually guaranteed that you’re being visited by a demon determined to make you his meat-puppet.
2. You Can Set Fires With Your Mind Instead Of Your Farts
Everyone screamed in the break room when you set Tina from Accounting on fire with your mind after she admitted to stealing your lunch from the fridge, but then again, they also screamed the time you laid down that horrendous fart in front of the microwave that ended up sparking a fire that the company is still docking damages out of your paychecks for. Which one of those was a demon inside of you, and which one was caused by a night in front of the TV scarfing down hot wings? We think you know, bro. We think you know.
3. You Crave Babies, Not Babybacks
Bottomless ribs sounded like a delicious idea when one of your buddies suggested you meet up after the game on Friday, so how on earth did you end up snacking on a tender, three-week old human baby instead? And why is everyone in the restaurant staring at you like you, well, like you just ATE A HUMAN BABY? It’s time to leave the fat-shaming outside the buffet, because it’s 2017, right? Nylarhotep nods in agreement from his massive baby-skull throne.