Bottle Service Or College Tuition? Making The Right Choice For Your Future
There’s something to be said for college – a time of personal exploration and intellectual discovery that leads you into the bright, shining realm of adulthood well-equipped to tackle life’s challenges.
And then, there’s bottle service – a chance to spend your entire student loan in a single night on bottles of alcohol you probably won’t be able to pronounce or even taste by hour two, and yet still feel the need to double-fist until a bouncer peels you off the VIP leather and turfs you into a vomit-filled alley to sleep it off.
Life is full of hard choices, and trying to decide between college tuition and a glorious night of bottle service is certainly one of them. Let’s look at the pros and cons of each.
- No need to lie to mom and dad about that credit card bill
- Could potentially pay off down the road in terms of future employment and overall lifestyle / happiness
- Less likely to accidentally piss on a one-eyed gangster named ‘Ricky’ if you’re at home studying and not drunk in the champagne room
- Fewer chances to spend thousands of dollars in single shot to impress a roomful of strangers you will never see again
- Your degree in Art History is less likely to get you laid than a tumbler full of Cristal, unless you go to an all-girls school in New Hampshire
- No one will remember you once the semester’s over at school any more than they will remember your face at the Kitty Club once the night is through
- It’s impossible to fail at vodka, until you fail at vodka
- You get the chance to feel as successful as you would graduating in front of your entire family, only it’s in a dank, loud room that smells like someone else’s sweat and semen, and you get a summons for public intoxication at the end instead of a diploma
- Your fake bottle service friends are more honest than your fake college friends
- Bonding over the accidental overdose death of a third-tier DJ isn’t quite as satisfying as the shared sense of accomplishment that comes from a semester abroad
- Odds that Jay Z makes eye contact with you: less than zero.
- No matter how many bottles you order, you’re still going to see yourself in the mirror the next day