Bro-Truck Your Way Through These 3 Natural Disasters
It’s lifted, it’s chromed, it’s louder than a 747 at take-off just idling in your driveway. It’s the dream truck you always wanted to build in high school, and now that you’ve got access to enough credit to do some serious damage to your future finances, it’s finally yours.
Still, you’re tired of the teasing and stares from co-workers and so-called ‘friends’ who won’t quite asking you why you just don’t drive something more ‘practical.’ To them, we say ‘what’s more practical than a snorkel when dealing with a catastrophic flood/landslide/asteroid impact?’
Let’s face it: your bro-truck was built to do more than just body-slam the drive-thru sign at Wendy’s with its roll-bar. It was built…to save lives. It’s the Red Cross of automobiles, the National Guard of motorized mayhem, and your ultimate chariot for dealing with imaginary catastrophes that realistically will never strike your peaceful suburb in Des Moines.
Check out these 3 natural disasters, ranked by how fantastical your giant bro-truck’s performance would be if you were brave enough to get within 400 miles of The Big One.
The least-likely of least-likely disasters, a supervolcano like the Yellowstone Caldera is still enough of a threat to attract the attention of desperate SyFy channel writers looking for yet another Dax Sheppard vehicle. To maximize the glory of your rig in volcano territory, you’ll have to make sure to time your arrival so that the lava flows don’t melt your monster into a mass of molten metal. Instead, just park on the tallest mountain of ash you can find, and then, when asked how you ‘got up there’ by admiring passersby fleeing for their lives, simply point at your truck and smile modestly. Oh, and bring some quick detailer and microfiber towels, because ash is, well, ashy.
Have you see the movie ‘Twister?’ Remember how completely stock-looking the main character’s Dodge Ram was? How did he and his team of misfits expect to beat back the might of an F5 tornado without a single JC Whitney accessory along for the ride? Time to re-write cinematic history, Kansas-style, and roll coal right straight through the most destructive force ever unleashed on a rural trailer park.
1. Swarm Of Angry Bees
WHY DID YOU LEAVE THE WINDOWS DOWN THE BEES ARE INSIDE THE TRUCK NO DRIVING FASTER WON’T HELP AHHHHHH NOT LIKE THIS NOT LIKE THIS NOT LIKE TH-