Did You Accidentally Agree To Host An Orgy? 5 Survival Tips

Seductive girls posing handcuffed and blindfolded

It could happen to anyone. One moment you’re at work talking to the new guy in accounting about getting a few people to watch ‘the game’ together on the weekend, and the next you’re opening your door to a man in a gimp mask being led on a leash by a woman wearing latex so tight you could hang your hat on her nipple piercing.

How did this happen? Why were you so cool about accounting guy posting your pre-game shindig on Craigslist? Is that man in the diaper going to sit on your brand-new leather couch?

Getting through an impromptu orgy isn’t easy, but with the right attitude, you’ll emerge relatively unscathed at the other end. Check out these 5 accidental orgy survival tips.

1. Avoid Eye Contact. Do you want to go to your grave haunted by the stare of a man wearing deer antlers being simultaneously penetrated by two other forest creatures carrying dildos that could theoretically be used in an Olympic pole-vaulting event? Of course you don’t. Just keep your gaze locked steadily on his rack. Or maybe leave the room entirely.

2. Make Sure Everyone Has A Towel. Remember how your mother always asked you use a coaster when you had friends over in the rec room? A towel is like a coaster for your genitals, and instead of worrying about leaving a ring on the coffee table, you’re more concerned about having to autoclave every surface in your home.

3. Resist The Urge To Participate. As the host, however unwilling, to make sure the evening goes smoothly for each and every one of the 43 participants who were anonymously texted your address. It’s going to be hard to do that if you’re being force-fed applesauce while rolled tight in plastic wrap like some kind of transparent sex-mummy.

4. Don’t Fall In Love. Sure, she’s beautiful, but she’s also elbow-deep in an equally-attractive woman who is herself being smothered by the ass of a someone who calls himself ‘Shower Bear.’ Is that really the kind of heartbreak you’re willing to open yourself up to?

5. Have An Escape Plan. When the police show up because there’s a pair of medieval knights in bottomless armor ‘jousting’ on your front lawn, you’re not going to want to take the fall. Hang out near the back door and let your accounting buddy put his wizard robe back on long enough to deal with local law enforcement. And remember the orgy code: on Monday morning, none of this ever happened.

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