Geometry 120: Achieving the Perfect Angle for the Pic of Your Genitals She Wants But Pretends, Even Insists, She Doesn’t

Don't second guess yourself: you're beautiful, below the waist.

Don’t second guess yourself: you’re beautiful, below the waist.

You’ve exchanged a few emails – maybe even moved on to text messages by now.  It’s an exciting time in any budding relationship, when a vast array of endless possible futures stretches out before the two of you, tantalizing and unknown. That first date lurks just around the corner.  It’s time to seal the deal.

It’s time to send a dick pic.

Don’t Go Full Sack

‘Is it too soon?’ you might be asking yourself? Stop that line of questioning right now, because if there’s anything that kills a quality shot of your cock more than an ill-advised dip in a cold lake, it’s a lack of self-confidence.  Women can instantly sense when you’re not 100 percent committee to anything, and that goes double for digital images of your cash and prizes.

Or should we say ‘cash and PRIZE.’ A common rookie mistake when sending an (almost) total stranger a wink of your magic wand is including too much root with the cuke. Unless it’s been waxed bald – and even then, it’s still a little too Telly Savalas – you should be aiming to impress with pole, not potatoes.  Think of your ballsack as the ultimate photobomber, the weird drunk uncle posing behind your dick with its shirt off and icing sugar all over its face.  Would you want that to be your first impression?

We Didn’t Think So

There’s a reason your uncle is still single: his dick pic game was weak.  Yours is strong. Yours is in fact, so disturbingly strong that maybe you’ll have to tone it down a little. Yeah.  Yeah you know what we’re talking about.  You’re down on your hands and knees on top of a mirror you stole off of your roommates closet door, hiding your balls with the waistband of your laundry-day sweats while you twist your arm at what feels like the perfect angle to capture the full majesty of your genetic legacy.

Woah.  Slow down there, cowboy.  Get off the floor, hang the mirror back up after wiping off any question-provoking smears, and sit down on the edge of your bed.  Light a candle.  Burn some incense. Put on a some slow and classy porno – you know, the one where they both start out wearing tuxes – and then slowly get yourself in the mood.  Once you’ve reach the moment of maximum turbidity, it’s time: grab that phone cam and start blasting away just before you start blasting away.

Choose The ‘Veiny’ Filter

Once you’ve got the master shot, it’s time to anonymize that shit. Don’t worry – she’ll still know it’s your dick, because you sent it from your phone this time and not your roommates’. But to everyone else: you’re a ghost. Crop out that Kanye poster. Blur the zodiac tattoo on your inner thigh.  See if you can do something about all that paleness.  Yeah.  Yeah, that’s it. You’re a star, you’re a star, you’re a star.

Now hit send.

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