How Soon Is Too Soon To Teach Your Baby To Smoke?

The world can be a difficult place for children, especially if you plan to abandon them well before the state has legally decided that’s an OK thing for you to do. They may not be able to stop you from ghosting on your temporary family, but you can at the very least prepare them for the shock of being on their own – and nothing toughens up a kid like a 3-pack-a-day smoking habit.

How soon is too soon to wean your baby off of your love and replace it with a craving for nicotine? The answer doesn’t matter, because you’re doing it anyway – and here’s how.

Replace Pacifiers With Marlboros

The best way to get a kid to stop crying is to take them on a trip to Flavor Country. With a Marlboro or two between their lips, those tears will quickly turn to sputters, coughs, and wheezes, especially once the baby learns how to use the kitchen stove burner to light ’em up. Relax, it’s not like he’s got a Bic in his tiny, pudgy hands – that would be dangerous!

Teach Him Some Zippo Tricks

Nothing gets the preemies wetter than a young diapered stud whose seemingly ineffective fingers can work magic with a Zippo lighter. The flick, the snap, and the ‘over and under,’ are all tricks that will reinforce the fact that smoking is sexier, cooler, and more reliable than having a father that loves him enough to stick around past that first month of existence.

Use The Patch When Mom Is Around

You’re one night stand will probably flip out when she learns that you’ve gotten her son irreversibly addicted to that sweet Carolina smoke, which means you’ll have to keep your training sessions on the down-low. You definitely don’t want junior throwing a nic-fit when she’s around, however, so make sure to stuff his diaper with a Nicorette patch to tide him through the day – at least until you can make your escape into a better, brighter life that doesn’t have anything to do with responsibility love acceptance babies.




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