How To Customize Your Truck To Reduce Random Conversations With Strangers
As a man, there’s one thing in your life that’s more important than anything else: reducing accidental interactions with total strangers in a public place. Every trip to the liquor store and subsequent booze snooze in the parking lot is fraught with opportunity for someone you’ve never met to send a greeting, salutation, or idle small talk your way.
Each one of their empty words is like someone snapping a rubber band against the back of your head, just like they did every day in high school. If only there was some way to build a barrier against unnecessary social interactions with the entire human race, so you never have to step outside the carefully-regimented, and artfully-constructed reality that is the only thing that gets you from one day to the next.
Luckily, there is. And it involves your truck. Follow these simple steps for customizing your pickup and it’s unlikely you’ll ever be approached by anyone ever again. Unless there’s a murder in your hometown or something. And even then, probably no.
1. Truck Nuts Everywhere
You kinda don’t really get why truck nuts are such a thing, but that doesn’t really matter for this specific application of the JC Whitney catalog. All you need to understand is that by draping these anatomically-correct globs of silicon all over your pickup like some kind of fleshy garland on a parade float, you have cast a Spell of Repelling +400 on anyone in the immediate vicinity with a face, eyes, and conscience.
2. Lift Kit, With Ladder, And Parachute
Your truck needs to be tall, bro. It needs to be so tall, that the only way you can get into it is with a ladder – and the only way you can get out is with a parachute, because it’s just too scary to try climb down those rungs a second time, dude. Memorize the locations of every overpass and bridge within 10 miles of your home. Park in 15 feet of water, just because you can. Make your pickup a tower of isolation. No one wants to talk to that guy.
3. Giant Smokestacks
Is your pickup a diesel? If not, time for an engine swap. We’ll wait. Once that’s done, you’ll need to buy a chip on eBay that just makes everything louder and smokier all the time. Even at idle. Ideally, you want to be able to fog out gridlocked traffic like a crop-duster working overtime for Monsanto. Time to paint the town black, and enjoy the ringing silence as everyone who walks by you averts their eyes.
4. Just Trade It In For A Hummer
Then you’ll only ever have to talk to other Hummer drivers, for the rest of your life.