How to Eat Phallic Foods Without Craving the D

Vegetables

Bro, as we all know, one of the keys to getting and staying mega-swole is having a truly MASSIVE calorie intake. As a dude, you’ve got to be eating all the time to ensure that your glutes, quads, biceps, triceps, traps, and other names of muscles that I know have the fuel they need to be at their peak.

But every bro also knows that staying fed is a MINEFIELD of phallic foods—bananas may be rich in potassium, but they’re also rich in being shaped like dicks. As a modern man of the world, you’re totally comfortable with your sexuality—but you also left fooling around with dudes where it belongs (in the college locker room) (and that one time at football camp) (and Burning Man ’11).

Don’t worry bro. Once again, I got you.

1. Have somebody cut up phallic foods on your behalf. Naturally, cutting up something that’s shaped like a wang will be way too uncomfortable to you, so I suggest giving the task to somebody impartial, like your mom. Not your girlfriend, bro—wouldn’t want her to get any ideas!

2. If your mom’s not around to cut your penis-shaped food up for you, then find a sharp stick. Stab that stick through a hot dog, banana, or any other unnervingly dick-like foodstuff, then crouch on the floor, growling slightly as you eat it. This will put you in touch with your wild, manly ancestors—everybody knows homosexuality was invented in the 1950s, so this connection to your roots will make sure you stay MANLY AS FUCK.

3. Find a lady to eat at the same time as you. Then, when you watch her chowing down on her corndog, you can pretend it’s YOUR corndog, which will distract you from the memory of getting busy with another dude’s corndog behind the sports building at your alma mater. Don’t worry—ladies love it when dudes watch them eat. It makes them self-conscious, which keeps them from getting fat.

4. If you find yourself faced with a fresh, crispy baguette, just begging you to open your mouth up wide, and take the whole thing in, or a cannoli waiting to spray its thick, white cream-filling all over your face, just repeat to yourself ‘I love vaginas. I LOVE VAGINAS’ over and over again, even as you shove them all the way down your greedy throat. I promise, bro—you’ll never feel more heterosexual.

It’s as easy as that, my dudes. If you follow these four steps, you’ll have no problem keeping both the taste of cock and the sweet muscular embrace of another bro where they belong—in your memories, and the occasional male-bonding trip with your old sports-ball buddies.

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