How to Get Swole (Without Falling In Love)

Bros Working Out Together In A Gym

As a dude, you know how important it is to get, and stay, mega swole. But every time you go to the gym, you have no choice but to see other dudes as they too work towards the all-important goal of rippling abs and wicked pecs. That means that you risk spending hours a day staring at other men’s glistening, sweat-covered muscles, which is wicked gay. And so I, an expert in building epic bulk, have compiled for you a list of ways to get big WITHOUT falling in love.

1. Listen to super loud music. You may still have to look at the men around you as they grunt and strain, sweat rolling down their backs, tracing a tantalizing line down to their powerful glutes, but at least you won’t have to listen to their groans and gasps, so you can concentrate on maxing out your reps.

2. Masturbate before you even get to the gym. Choking the chicken is a good stress reliever under just about any circumstances, but knocking one out before you hit the iron will help keep your mind on your workout, and off the bulge you can see in the other dudes’ shorts.

3. Wear horse blinders. These may have been designed to keep workhorses from getting distracted, but they’ll work just as well for you as you work like a horse to get WICKED HUGE. Be careful, though, bro, as they might be mistaken for a kink thing—everybody knows that gay dudes are super into hot, kinky shit, and you don’t want to give anybody the wrong impression. Also, it only stops you from staring at the taut, well-developed glutes you can see out the corner of your eye, doing nothing to protect you from the ass in front of you as you build your biceps.

4. Just think disgusting thoughts. Yeah, that guy next to you may have the most developed calves you’ve ever seen, and sure he could probably crack walnuts between those gorgeous thighs, but have you ever seen the inside of an eyeball? It’s gross man. It’s so gross. Just think about that. Think about that and not about how good it would feel to run your hands through his hair, or how badly you just want to bury your face in his sweaty, sweaty shirt and breathe in deep. Think about the eyeball. It’s gross. It’s so gross that you definitely don’t want to feel his muscular arms wrapped around you, his tight body pressed against yours, his… Sorry. Excuse me. Yeah. The eyeball. Gross, right?

5. Just don’t go to the gym. The gym isn’t the only place to get swole, bro. Just get down to Home Depot and pick up some weights and you can make your own home gym. You’ll never have to worry about falling in love with the dudes at the Y again—the only place you’ll see their glistening, golden muscles will be in your dreams.

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