How To Lie Convincingly About Your ‘Service Dog’

VetWhy should the blind and the agoraphobic be the only ones given a free pass to puppy power in aisle 32G? You’re just as deserving as they are to stuff Marmaduke into your carry-on or drop a dachshund on the dance floor, aren’t you?

When you were 10 years old, did you let the weird kid you fed Hot Wheels to on the school bus dictate the terms of your animal ownership? Of course not. Did your wheezy cousin Daryl ever put his foot on your head outside of Little League practice while everyone laughed at you until you pissed yourself? Maybe. But you’re an adult now, and neither of those scenarios are relevant anymore. What matters is, you deserve a dog, at all times, in all situations, regardless of how inconvenient it is for you or anyone else in the immediate vicinity.

Here’s how to lie convincingly about your ‘service dog’ without having to confess your very real list of anxieties to an actual health professional.

Tell People It Swallowed Your Father’s Ashes

There was an accident at the interment, and somehow Dickie the Dalmatian knocked over the urn and lapped up what little remained of your cold, distant father. Tell whoever asks that you have to be with the dog at all times until it ‘releases’ his remains. Carry a ziploc bag.

Say You’re Filming A Reality Show

It’s called ‘Prison Dogs’ and it’s about badass motherfucking criminal canines trying to re-enter society. Tattoo a spiderweb and a single teardrop on the animal. Tell people the dog committed vehicular manslaughter.

Explain That There’s No God

Life is just really empty, ok? And then there’s the void. So let me have this fucking dog for 10 fucking minutes in this fucking Subway.

Just Sob Uncontrollably.

No one wants to talk to the big crying guy in the corner of Home Depot, or the fat blubbering dude on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, or the sobbing businessman getting a full-body massage at the airport. No one wants to pet his dog, either.

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