How to Perform an Emergency Tracheotomy with Your Vape Pen, Bro
When the chips are down and some fool’s choking to death because of a peanut allergy, bee sting, or too many tacos stuffed into their face, are going to be a hero or a zero? If you vape, bro, the answer is obvious, because you’ve got all the tools you need to save the day – and save a life – sitting right there in your front pocket.
Here’s how to perform an emergency tracheotomy with your vape pen, bro.
Smash a beer bottle
Not only is this the most dramatic way to respond to someone who’s choking out, but it also gives you the razor sharp edge you’ll need to slice open that tiny bit of their throat and get at the trachea. You know, a scalpel’s really not all that different than a jagged piece of glass, with the exception of it having a handle, and being a precision instrument honed by an elite manufacturing company vetted by the FDA. Bonus: the alcohol renders the bottle sterile, or something, so extra points for you.
Hollow out your pen
Got a vape cartridge loaded up? Of course you do – but you’re gonna have to eject it, and pull out as much of the vape gear as possible to create a pathway for the air the
dying victim person you are about to save needs to survive.
Slice open that trachea
Using your beer bottle scalpel, it’s time to cut a vape pen-sized hole in the person’s throat. Try to be careful, ok bro? This isn’t like that time you tried to open a piñata with a machete in your cousin’s backyard. This is science.
Jam it in
Take aim at the ragged, bloody flesh hole you just made. Try to ignore the blood. You know how to do this. You were born to do this. You might want to close your eyes when you do this.
Use the LED light to make sure the hole is all the way through
Hit that vape button, bro. If you can see bright blue light shining through their open mouth or even their eye sockets, then you know you’ve penetrated the trachea exactly the right distance to open up an airway. Give yourself a high five – you just saved a life. And I’m sure she or he will definitely buy you a new pen.