How to Spot Fake Friend Requests From Terrorists

Social media has given rise to a bunch of fakers. Fake news, fake celebrities, fake religions and fake babes. But there’s also a lot of fake friends out there. You know, people who message you saying “Bro, we went to high school together” when you really know that you transferred to eight different schools over 4 years because your ‘second dad’ kept getting new ‘jobs’ in other ‘cities’ just a few steps ahead of your ‘biological mother’ and her small army of private detectives.

The flipside is that social media, especially Facebook, is also the most common way that modern terrorists find their next crop of freedom fighters. Modern terrorists range from those who don’t let you say wear leather around their babies, to those who stab dolphin farmers in the neck, to those who say it’s disrespectful to call a sexy babe a ‘fine piece of fuckable ass’ in front of your pastor at your church Christmas party.

Here’s how to spot some of the fakers out there and avoid getting sucked into an ideological struggle you can barely understand, let alone be willing to die for.

Nazis

His profile picture is of a guy with a bald head and doing the ole “heil hitler” salute. Is there a chance he’s a Rancid-loving punk rocker who’s just rocking out? Don’t jump to conclusions and immediately think he’s a Nazi! Real Nazis are far more subtle, messaging you saying stuff like “wouldn’t it just be easier if we never had to vote again?”

Feminazis

Even if you’re not pregnant, a Feminazi will approach you and suggest you get an abortion. You can easily spot these fake friend requests on Facebook because they’re extremely cerebral using clever aliases like “Donna Lowwhiteguystocontroluruterus” and “Faye Kitnightly.” Don’t worry, however, becase Feminazi’s are entirely a fabrication of the right-wing elite, and don’t actually exist. It would be like getting a friend request from the Easter Bunny, if the Easter Bunny were the creation of an angry 67-year old white guy who lost his job to a computer algorithm.

Violent Amish-ists

When Amish people need to get shit done and fuck up the ultra-modern society moving in on their turf they fire up their non-electrical, full-steam-powered Facebook and send out wholesome friend requests. While the chances of you even knowing an Amish person is near zero, you’ll know this guy is looking for trouble if the friend request message starts with ‘G’day English,’ or if his beard and lack of buttons are completely non-ironic.

 

ISIS recruiters

C’mon, you’d probably remember a guy named “Saddam Hussein Al-qaeda Hamas Samir Abd Muhammad Ali” wouldn’t you? Also, where would you have met this guy anyways? It’s not like you regularly attend brainwashing ceremonies, train child soliders on weekends, or build incredibly accurate scale models of actual explosive devices. Delete this before you get involved with the wrong crowd. Accept it if you want the best hummus this side of the Gaza strip.

ISS recruiters

You may be surprised to know that the International Space Station needs some freedom fighters for its cause too. Space governments are imposing a lot of taxes and fines on this improperly licensed outer-space RV and test lab, and the folks at the ISS need some help fighting back this injustice. These friend requests come from people in big ass space suits… so, unless you know a real astronaut, which you don’t, we’d recommend totally getting ready for space war not hitting accept on that request.

Radical Environmentalists

Even if you accidentally accept a friend request from “Nathan Lovespore” you shouldn’t worry about actually being recruited into this group of troublemakers. Mostly malnourished third-level vegans who are smoking too much pot to come up with a concrete plan to stick it to Big Oil and the big bad polluters, these folks will forget even sending you a friend request in the first place, when they’re half-a-bag deep into some Fritos.

Left-Wing Terrorists/Communists/Revolutionaries

No one really likes ‘the man’ but these guys take it a bit too far. For starters, they eschew traditional profile photos, instead using extremely surreal art to get a point across. A Salvador Dali avatar is one thing, but an eagle eating the face off of a child while Uncle Sam holds an ice cream cone so that it drips over a crying woman is a little much. Also look out for their continual invites to ‘Rock the Vote’ and ‘Vote for the Rock.’

 

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