How To Stop Yourself From Going Back For Seconds or Thirds, Fatso

Fat man sitting on an armchair and looking at his hamburger

Food is delicious, but you really don’t deserve it. If you ever want anyone to ever love you – and we’re including your parents, here – you’ve got to lay off all the calories and adhere to a standard that somehow your father, and his father before him, managed to escape.

Maybe it’s because they understood that being a man didn’t mean conforming to a shifting tapestry of consumer-grade dog whistles embedded in the pages of a magazine whose very name is a meaningless bit of ultra-branding. Or maybe they just had will power. Either way, here are some tips to keep you from turning the buffet line into a conga line.

1. Don’t Use Your Hands

It’s a lot harder to stuff your face with both arms tied behind your back. Is that what it’s going to take? Are we going to have to put a hood over your head, drag you into a windowless room, and handcuff you to a chair to keep you from eating? What the hell is wrong with you?

2. Just Keep The Hood On, Maybe

If you can’t see the food, you can’t eat it either. If you can’t see the door, you can’t leave your house and go to the grocery store and just sit in the potato chip aisle and open all the bags and cover your body with greasy, salty snacks until you’re pinned to the ground by security and that guy from the deli counter who always wears combat pants and boots.

3. Distract Yourself From Your Hunger By Crying

Tears are salty, too, but not enough to keep you from stuffing your face. You need to really tap into the deep, wracking sobs that come from a place in your childhood called ‘ages 8-11 when Dad was on the road and Uncle Mike was on the bottle’ to wear out your stomach muscles to the point where eating is just as painful as those memories.

4. Just Stop Eating Everything

Plants exist on sunlight alone. Can you do that? No you can’t, but you’ll slim down fucking trying, so maybe that’s your new goal.

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