How to Tell Your Wife You’re Having an Affair with Your Student
So, you’re doing what practically every male professor over the age of 47 does once the novelty of securing a tenure track wears off: you’re fucking one of your hot students. Hey, we’re not judging. It’s practically a rite of passage. But odds are, your wife either suspects or already knows, because there’s no way that extra spring in your step is ginseng-related.
There’s no easy way to tell her what’s up, and you’d be a fool to think she’ll yet again buy that excuse that you were stuck in another midnight faculty meeting. Here are some tips to help soften the blow of tonight’s lecture.
Reassure your wife that this affair is merely for intellectual conditioning
Your brain needs blood-flow, but there’s nothing about an erection that makes you smarter – especially with all those red blood cells collecting elsewhere (your genitals) But hey – you made an entire career out of bullshitting your way through life and even managed to get a team of other professional bullshitters to sign off on your bullshit thesis. Why stop now?
It only started after the final grades were posted
Meaning she wasn’t trying seduce you into getting an A. And that makes it totally okay. Almost like she altruistically got into your pants. Right? Right.
Office hours get boring and lonely
It’s true and how can you help yourself? How else to soothe that existential ennui? Your reams of leather-bound books? That endless game of solitaire? Besides, those pesky student emails won’t ignore themselves.
Just go down in flames
Look, you’re screwed anyway. Your academic career is probably on shaky ground at best since the university opted to defund the Sumerian Research Center for Ancient Food Studies. Your marriage is a joke, and has been since that dual-authorship fiasco with your
rival friend from grad school. Just tell her you’re running off with your student, quitting the academic world and going to find yourself on some experimental biodiversity farm in Kurdistan.