How To Type Like a Man
You’re a man. Everybody can see that you’re a man because you are so huge and manly and always doing man things. You lift heavy things like a man and use chainsaws like a man and wear man clothes like a man should. But in these tough economic times, even the manliest of men can find himself so in need of a job that he may have to do the unthinkable—he may have to take a lady job. If you, the dudeliest of bros, find yourself having to consider secretarial work or something similarly girly, you may fear the loss of your precious man-cred. Fear no more, son. Follow my tips and tricks, and you’ll be able to do even the ladiest of the lady jobs LIKE A MAN.
1. Do your job shirtless. Nobody will be able to mistake you for a lady if you’re typing with your shirt off, and it’s a good opportunity to show everybody the super manly muscles all over your bulging torso. For this to be most effective, make sure you oil up every morning before you go in to the typing pool.
2. Get the ladies you work with to do the super girly jobs. Ladies love it when men tell them what to do, and everybody knows men don’t know how to do things like clean up after themselves or make their own food. Typing a memo? Tell Brenda you’re just not that good with words and get her to do it instead. Leave dirty dishes all over the kitchen and eat the food the ladies bring in for themselves–you’ll be reminding everybody that you’re totally the man around here, and as an added bonus, the ladies will love you.
3. Bring weights in to the office. When you’re on a break, or when Brenda’s doing your work for you, just pick them up and start pumping some iron. This will also help you stay wicked swole so you can feel confident when you’re working shirtless.
4. Draw dicks on everything. Make sure everything on your desk, everything you come into contact with, and all the places you go are absolutely COVERED in pictures of dicks. Your coffee mug? Dicks. Stapler? Dicks. Naked, glistening torso? COVER IT IN DICKS. This will remind everyone that you are a MAN with a PENIS and not a LADY even though you are doing a lady job!
5. Be LOUD. While performing your daily tasks, like taking notes or making coffee, continuously shout “I’M A MAN” as loud as you can. This will show everybody how strong your man lungs are, and have the added bonus of drawing attention to the fact that you’re a man. You’re a man. YOU ARE A MAN.
And it’s as easy as that! If you follow these steps every day in your lady job, nobody will ever, ever doubt that you are still a man—a man with muscles and a man-penis, and huge, throbbing testicles. Fist bump, bro.