Is It Really Dead? 4 Hail Marys For Resurrecting Your Girlfriend’s Pet

You had one job, bro – keep her fish/cat/bird/dog/lizard alive – and you couldn’t even do that. She’s coming home from her parents’ place in a couple of days, and you’re sitting in the living room of her apartment looking at the cold, dead corpse of an animal she probably cares about more deeply than she does about you.

If only there was some kind of way to work a miracle and bring Fluffy back to life, at least long enough for it to die a second time in her arms of ‘natural causes’ and not the six pounds of Styrofoam packing pellets it just ate. Well, depending on how willing you are to indulge in the dark arts, there just might be, bro.

Time to Satan-up and get down to business. Check out these 5 hail Marys for resurrecting your girlfriend’s pet.

1. Blood Demands Blood

Unfortunately, the dark gods that control the nethersphere aren’t going to release the soul of Mr. Winkles without demanding tribute in return. How about an even-up trade for the weak, watery blood running in the veins of the hobo who’s always panhandling outside the front steps of her building? With those spindly legs he’d be easy to catch, and as long as you don’t look him in the eye you probably won’t wake up screaming at night for the rest of your life. It’s definitely worth the trauma if it means you don’t have to go through break-up drama, dude.

2. Reanimate That Shit

Sure, pumping Toucan Sam’s veins full of industrial chemicals you found in a dumpster outside of your local nuclear energy complex is risky business, but at this point can you afford not to play with isotopes in the quest for making that parrot at least SEEM alive when she walks through the door in just a few short hours?

3. Lego To The Rescue

How good are you with a scalpel? Replacing all of the joints in a Daschund with small electric motors you scored from your little brother’s Pirates of the Caribbean Lego set isn’t easy work, but it’s honest work. Well, it’s not that either, but at the very least you’ll be able to remote control that wiener dog to feign life long enough fool her into staying in love with you. You always did have a steady hand.

4. Struck By Lightning

It always works in the movies, right?

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