Is Metallica The Next Gold? 5 Investing Tips From The Voice That Screams Inside Your Head

How can you can achieve your dream of confounding the experts by making stock market choices guaranteed to ruin family gatherings and child support hearings for the foreseeable future? Just listen to that voice that’s always screaming inside your head – AND DO EVERYTHING IT TELLS YOU TO DO.

1. Invest In Metal Bands

Everyone knows about Metallica, so you’re a little late to the game here, but how many early investors can say they dumped their life savings into an all-cat deathcore band from the Philippines that only released one record before their lead meower took his own life on live television? NONE. NO ONE ELSE BUT YOU CAN MAKE THIS CLAIM.

2. What About Breakfast Cereal?

Imagine the position you’d be in if you cornered the market on Lucky Charms marshmallows, or Count Chocula’s meth-laced chocolate powder dust, or Toucan Sam’s Froot Loop of Infinite Power? YOU ALONE WOULD BE THE KING OF CEREAL, AND THE KING OF CEREAL CARES NOT ABOUT HIS EMPTY BANK ACCOUNT.

3. Have You Thought About Orbital Real Estate?

All those satellites up there – thousands of them – paying you rent? It’s more than just a pipe dream: it’s guaranteed income according to that email you keep getting from that guy whose name is made up entirely of consonants and whose computer has a broken ‘shift’ key. HE’S PROMISING $400 A DAY IN ORBITAL RENT ALONE YOU’D BE A FOOL NOT TO WIRE HIM THAT SEED MONEY.

4. Don’t Forget Cold Fusion

The slim chance that your neighbor who hasn’t left his house in three years has managed to accomplish in his garage what MIT hasn’t been able to do in their billion-dollar laboratory SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT DISCOURAGE YOU FROM INVESTING IN HIS COLD FUSION COMPANY THAT’S CALLED CHILLED FUSION 2.0.

5. Old Cars Seem Like A Good Idea, Too

All those wrecks crossing the block at Barrett-Jackson on the Discovery Channel aren’t that far removed from what’s sitting in your cousin’s scrapyard. IT’S TIME TO GIVE HIM THE CONTENTS OF YOUR 401K IN EXCHANGE FOR 34 PONTIAC FIEROS AND ONE TRANS AM THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE HAUNTED.

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