Is She Too Far Away? 3 Quick Questions Before Jumping In To Save Her

Hand in sea water asking for help. Failure and rescue concept.

Boating can be fun, but it can also lead to unexpected accidents that suddenly see you analyzing the entire context of your relationship with your significant other in just a few harrowing seconds. If neither are you remembered to wear a life jacket, you’ll have mere moments to figure out whether you should jump into the water to save her, or simply row, row, row your boat back to singlehood.

Before making that choice, ask yourself these 3 quick questions:

1. Can Either Of You Swim?

You’ve been telling her your entire life that you were on the swim team in college, because it just sounded cool coming out of your mouth. But now, faced with the swirling waves off the coast of Nantucket, with her pleas for helping filling your ears, you realize she could be on the verge of witnessing the one stroke you actually know well enough to pull off: the dog paddle. Is your love strong enough to survive her seeing you thrash about in the water like a three-legged Irish Setter?

2. Do You Have Washboard Abs?

Taking your shirt off in a public place – whether it’s as remote as the ocean, or as icky crowded as the wave pool at Six Flags – is an act of physical courage not to be taken lightly. Will your abs pass the test? Will she see their flabby majesty and immediately gulp in as much water as she can so as to escape from their presence in a dark, watery grave? Or are you confident that their sight will buoy her to cling to life long enough for you to figure out the ship-to-shore radio and call the Coast Guard?

3. How Long Does She Take To Respond To Your Texts?

When you send her a text, does she get back to you right away, or does it take her a few minutes – or even hours – before you find out if you’re going to meet up tonight? Food for thought – about how controlling you are in your relationships, not about whether you should save her. For fuck’s sake man!

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