Is That Baby Even Yours? 5 Questions To Ask Before The Subway Train Comes

Everyone wants to be a hero, but let’s face it: you’re running late for work, there’s a big crowd of potential heroes all around you, and the subway tracks are icky and gross. Is it really worth jumping down beside the risky third rail to save that crying baby? Ask yourself these five questions to find the answer.

1. Will That Baby One Day Cure Cancer?

It’s entirely possible that the brand new life that’s accidentally taken a tumble into a precarious position in front of a screaming subway train could grow up to be a genius who discovers the cure for cancer, thus ending one of mankind’s greatest scourges. It’s too bad babies can’t talk, or predict the future, or you’d know for sure.

2. Does The Baby Look Just A Little Bit Like Your Ex?

Those soft eyes, that young skin, that deep facial expression of disgust and disappointment – wow, you’re really having a flashback right now, aren’t you? Can you even trust your emotions to guide that baby to safety, or should you just hang back and see what any of the literally hundreds of other, most likely more stable people witnessing the same near-catastrophe choose to do?

3. Didn’t A Baby Kill Your Dad?

You’ll never forget that night in the alley behind the theater when that baby thug pulled a gun on your parents and shot them both in the face before crawling off into the night. Wait a minute – was that you or Batman? Bro, bro, bro – does it really matter whether a baby killed your parents or Batman’s parents? It’s still a terrible crime.

4. Is The Baby Crying?

Is there anything worse than being trapped in a crowded subway tunnel with a crying baby? There’s two potential solutions to this problem, but only one of them involves you remaining completely still.

5. Is The Baby Made Of Solid Gold?

We think you know what to do.

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