Is Your Phone Haunted? Three Chilling True Stories
One of the scariest things that can happen to a man is the realization that his phone – the backbone of his black book, his unassailable vault of dick pics, the countenance of Snapchats past – is haunted. It might start with a spooky text message or two – ‘who dis?’ followed by emoticons too strange to reproduce here – or selfies of a hooded figure you can’t quite remember taking – but you can be certain that a dead battery will be the least of your concerns should an Old Testament demon take up residence in your SIM card.
Read these three chilling, but true stories from the grimoire of haunted cell phones – if you dare!
“All The ‘T’s Were Replaced By Inverted Crosses”
Julian, 34, got the hint that things had taken a turn for the paranormal when he started getting texts from ‘AngrySp1r1t1869.’
“At first it was cool – I thought maybe it was this chick I had met at the Renn Fair a few weeks back – but then I realized the AngrySp1r1t1869 knew a little too much about my web browsing habits, not to mention the mid-19th century. I drew the line at the naked daguerreotypes she started sending.”
“I Never Installed This Guillotine App”
Angelo, 22, nearly lost his thumb when sliding-to-unlock.
“I was using my thumb to enter my passcode like usual when the sliding on the screen morphed into a raiser blade and nearly took the digit off at the first knuckle. I dropped the phone immediately and it started to cackle, then wail, and then it burned a hole through my floor and broke my downstairs neighbor’s coffee-maker. Fuck you, poltergeist!”
“Every Selfie Was Like An X-Ray”
Ricardo, 57, first suspected his phone was haunted when his dick pics were ‘bonier’ than usual.
‘When I tapped the shutter button, it felt like the hounds of hell themselves were charging up my urethra and blowing up my ball sack. When I looked down, to my horror, my fleshy friend was replaced with the grim outline of what I assume was my fossilized manhood. So I sent it to my new Tinder fling. Still waiting for a response.