Is Your Son Just Faking It? 3 Tips On Not Raising A Wuss

Boy with knee injury after falling off to bicycle
Whatever happened to tough love? When you fell down and scraped your knee as a child, your dad didn’t run over and tell you it would ‘be ok’ and then take you into his big, silent, distant arms and hold you until you stopped crying, and then maybe buy you some ice cream, did he? Wait, are you actually crying right now? About something that NEVER EVEN HAPPENED to you?

You’re definitely going to need these 3 tips on not raising a wuss.

1. Don’t Let Him See You Crying, Even When He’s The One Who Made You Tear Up

Did your boy just graduate from high school with honors? Hit a home run? Take his first step? Get married? Don’t you dare for one fucking second let him see those tears of weakness on your face. In fact, carry around a burlap sack or a luchadore mask at all times just so you can be sure to cover the disgusting display of emotion you somehow felt comfortable unleashing on everyone around you, including your offspring.

Did you ever see your father cry? No, you didn’t. In fact, you can’t even remember what your dad’s face even looks like, because the steely determination to never reveal himself to the world was so prominent in his eyes that it made you afraid to even look at him.

2. One Act Of Affection Per Year, Please

Nothing spoils a boy like the hint of adoration, pride, or even acceptance from the man who sired him. Practice your feigned indifference at each of his accomplishments until it builds a wall between you as stony and permanent as the one your dad erected seemingly effortlessly that time the family dog died and he retreated deep within himself, never to call you by your name again.

You’re allowed one hair tousle per 12 month period, so use it wisely. It won’t fix a broken leg, but then again, neither will making him walk out of the woods on crutches he fashioned for himself out of branches and twine while you were off fishing.

3. Always Stand Behind, And Never Beside, Your Son

Remember how often your own father seemed to be lurking just out of the picture, whether it was behind you on the dock (so he could push you in the water and teach you how to swim), or behind you at your uncle’s wedding (so he could push you onto the dance floor and teach you how to dance), or behind you on the curb (so he could push you into traffic and teach you cruel and indifferent the world is, and how you really can’t trust anybody, ever)?

Be like that dad.

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