Jim At Work Buys His Second BMW

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Your colleague Jim, who works in the same building but not the same floor as you do, just bought his second BMW. You first heard him talking about it in the communal break room that he occasionally slums it up in, particularly when it’s time to brag about a new achievement/possession/vacation/sexual conquest.

His exact words? ‘I wish I could have gotten silver, but my other BMW is also silver, so that would have been a bit weird, right?’ Yes, this is definitely the ‘weird’ part, Jim. How could you not agree with him after seeing the 38 photos he posted of his three-month old silver BMW parked beside the brand new red BMW in front of his sprawling ranch home. A picture that he tagged you in.

The last time you talked to Jim, he was telling you and two of your cubicle mates about the weekend he had spent completely wasted at Deadmau5’s compound, despite ‘not really being that into EDM.’ Just like his BMW, his two days of dance debauchery were pulled directly from the dreams that you once had as a young man, but which no longer penetrate the black, empty hours you spend unconscious every night.

Jim’s smile is as bright as you’d expect a new BMW owner – no, a DUAL BMW owner – to have. He casually hauls the keys out of his pocket and drops them on the break room table, where they echo with the weight of someone unburdened by a wife, children, or crippling student debt.

Later in the afternoon, Jim will offer you a ride in his car, ‘just around the block.’ That three minutes of top-down excitement is the most alive you’ve felt in months. When you get out of the car, Jim casually brushes your seat clean before leaving work an hour early to ‘meet up with his friends.’ You stand in front of the office door until you can no longer hear the BMW screaming down the access road that leads to your commercial cul de sac.

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