Jim’s New Watch Has Already Landed Him 6 Job Offers
“Right on time, Jimbo!” the boss greets your colleague Jim every morning, flashing him the guns and punching the air like a boxer. The boss is laughing. LAUGHING?
All the while you’re barely noticed despite the 25 overtime hours you put in this week. What the fuck Jim? Did he hypnotize everyone? Is he conning us? Just two weeks ago he was whining about his pay and having to shower at the local gym to save on bills. But this week, he’s bragging to you that he’s already received SIX new job offers, and used them to nail himself a huge promotion at your office.
Here’s the secret to all the office love Jim is treated to: its his swanky wristwatch. At first glance it’s just a regular ass watch, like a Timex, but maybe bigger. The way he wears it is peculiar, too; he dresses around the watch, as if his shirt cuffs don’t quite reach the watch.
He’s showcasing this thing like Vanna White on some anatomy-focused version of Wheel of Fortune, but instead of a clever puzzle to figure out, it’s this damn watch.
Whenever someone asks him about it, he lights up, like a spider just caught something in its web. “It’s not a watch,” he carefully explains, with a tone that resembles smarmy scolding. “It’s a timepiece.”
And that’s the phrase, like some kind of Jedi Mind Trick for CEOs and VPs. Suddenly they’re under his spell as he describes every intricate detail about the watch – err, “timepiece.” It’s all lost on you, but for whatever reason your manager is looking him right in the eye, nodding his head as Jimuses words like “movement” when talking about his wristwear. What does that even mean? You only say “movement” to describe a strippers dance routine in a politically correct way.
He uses other nonsense words, like “Jewel,” “Crystal” and “Crown”. What could he be talking about? Is this some piece of jewelry swiped from Buckingham Palace? He says “Barrel” a few times while pointing at the watch. Is it a gun too? Is Jim a spy? Is that how he knows how to mindfuck his superiors?
The conversation eventually slows to a crawl. Old boring Jim is back, but his boss is still beaming with interest. “You’ve got quite the taste in timepieces Jim!” you hear from your cubicle. “Why don’t you tell me more about it in the executive lunchroom later today?”
Goddamnit Jim, is that thing even real? You know he must have read some crappy motivational poster that said “dress for the job you want” and just stopped at the watch, and yet somehow it’s working out for him. But when you get an $80 haircut, fresh shave, buy the nicest Cole Haans and deck yourself in Hugo Boss, everyone just points out the stain on your tie that you got because the subway jostled some fellow commuter and his morning coffee all over you.
Maybe, if he ever gets out of that executive lunchroom or finishes in the executive bathroom you can ask Jim where he really got that watch. But maybe this time, you should consider calling it a “timepiece” to avoid the smarmy jackass Jedi Mind Tricks.