Lady Lowdown: The Essential Guide to Sexually Suggestive Fruit

Man eating grapes in a vineyard

It’s no secret that fruit can be a potent aphrodisiac. Can you remember the last time you walked past the produce isle at the grocery store, or that peach stand at the farmers market without breaking into a delicious sweat? You have to admit – few things make a great conversation starter than something that starkly resembles genitalia.

Below is an essential guide to four of the most stimulating fruits you can place in your basket, and how you might maximize your produce-related titillation.

Papaya – One look at these sliced down the middle lengthwise will make you see why it tops this list: that’s clearly a vulva. That lush pulp of glistening seeds practically screams fertility and ovulation. Try gifting one to one of your bros who might be struggling with his waning sexual desire for his wife/girlfriend/unrequited high school flame, just to remind him of the obvious lusciousness he’s missing out on.

Cantaloupe/Honeydew Melon – You don’t need to cut this one in half to see why this curvy fruit deserves a mention. I mean, we’ve all heard the breast/melon comparisons, am I right? But go ahead and slice it in half. Surprise! A vulva! Oh nature, you sneaky minx you. Serve the halves plated cut-side down to your sweet to get her to put on that low-cut shirt you like so much, without you know, having to directly ask her.

Pomegranate – Ancient myth and folklore in certain cultures (don’t ask me to name which ones, I haven’t actually done any research at all for this) have assigned the pomegranate as a symbol of fertility and of a woman’s breast. The multitude of seeds and syrupy redness are practically Mother Nature’s artistic rendition of the menstrual cycle. In fact, it actually looks like an abstract vulva right at the end of its monthly cycle. Talk about post-modern gastronomic aesthetics. Serve this to your loved one after dinner to induce baby fever (despite her insistence that she finish her PhD and get a tenure-track job first).

Banana – An oldie but goodie. No such list in complete without nature’s dick in fruit form. The resemblance is so stark that it’s nearly impossible to not look like you’re fellating one while you’re eating it. I’m not even going to suggest any uses for this one. But actually, I am. Because it sort of looks like – you guessed it – a vulva! How so? Well, just look at the peeled flaps of yellow draping themselves around the fruit. You could even argue this makes bananas hermaphroditic. Talk about universal appeal #stamensarentjustforflowers

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