Let’s Talk About Your Gross Feet
Summer is here, and with the warm weather comes the urge to show the world just how terrible you are at basic heel-and-toe hygiene. Your feet are disgusting. They’re beyond disgusting – they verge on triggering the gag reflex of anyone within eyeshot of the sandals you absolutely insisted on wearing everywhere, all weekend, without a single thought to the revulsion your body produces in other human beings.
Is there anything you can do to make your dogs more palatable to the outside world? Probably not, but since those Birkenstocks look so lonely all by themselves near the door, let’s give it a shot.
Your Feet Are Itchy, Red, And Gross
Why? It’s called athlete’s foot, which is ironic considering the last time your heart rate rose above resting the only thing moving was your right wrist.
Can You Fix It? Cake your feet in anti-fungal cream. Wrap them in bandages. Put on socks. Turn off the lights. Lock your door. Fixed.
Your Feet Are Flaky, Dry, And Gross
Why? You’ve never, ever, even once thought about moisturizing your feet. Because you’re a monster.
Can You Fix It? Maybe if you possessed a single ounce of self-discipline.
Your Feet Are Super Hairy, And Gross
Why? You heard a girlfriend once refer to them as ‘hobbit feet,’ and you thought it was a term of endearment. Clearly it wasn’t, as you haven’t spoken to her in over seven years.
Can You Fix It? Socks or shears. It’s your choice.