Man Make-Up: The Dark Truth

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My bros, a short while ago I wrote an article advising you on how to make the most of your appearance without sacrificing your masculinity (or your right to judge ladies based solely on theirs, am I right dudes??). But there is one topic that I didn’t touch on—one topic so dangerous, so shocking, and so out-and-out frightening that I wasn’t sure whether or not you could handle it. But with the election of Donald Trump, we all need to get ready for the apocalypse, and I’m not going to let you face Armageddon looking anything less than your best. The secret? MAN MAKEUP.

Now, I know you’re frightened. Like any dude, you are well aware that if you use make-up, or even accidentally come into contact with it (beyond a bit of lipstick on your collar, nudge nudge wink wink), your masculinity will be UTTERLY DESTROYED. A bit of concealer and some eyeliner might look harmless, but everybody knows that shit is for girls, and anything that’s for girls must be rejected utterly by REAL men. But the fact is, those dangers only come into play if you make the mistake of using lady make-up. What you need is MAN make-up, for your man skin!

First of all, don’t go to Sephora or any girly shit like that. Get your ass to a home hardware store! Need some concealer? Check out the paint swatches—sure, it’s a little too feminine to spend time looking at colors, but this is for a good cause. If you like, find a lady to help you—ladies are immune to the dangers of color. She can help you find the paint that matches your skin tone. Go home, slap some of the same primer you’d use for walls on your face, whip out your paint brush, and go to town. Talk about even coverage!

Home hardware stores are your best bet for other kinds of skin-care, too. Forget that loofah and the nice, floral-scented soap your girlfriend keeps in the shower. Pick up some sandpaper and use it to buff all your sensitive areas. It’s the sort of hard-core care your MAN SKIN really needs!

Eyes need a bit of a pick-me-up? Nothing makes a manlier eyeliner than engine grease*! Added bonus: it doubles as a great contour if that layer of paint on your skin has left you feeling a little washed out. Plus, when Trump nukes us into a Mad Max-style future of car chases and despotism, you’ll be able to look amazing even while fleeing from the roving bands of cannibals who will soon terrorize us all. It’s win-win!

Follow these tips and tricks, bros, and I promise, you’ll be able to stay beautiful even in an ugly, ugly future.

*Warning: Some blindness may occur as a result of using engine grease as eyeliner. But only if you’re NOT MAN ENOUGH to take it!!

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