Manonizer Man-Up How-To: Watch Field Of Dreams With Your Dad (While Avoiding All Conversation)
Few films have captured the frayed connection between a man and his son like Field of Dreams, where Kevin Costner’s mentally-ill main character Ray Kinsella hallucinates a cornfield filled with spectral baseball players denied their eternal rest. And yet, such is the emotional connection of the script to the audience that many a stoic family viewing session has been ruined by an awkward and feels-soaked exchange between senior and junior, often in front of other kin.
Having a talk with your dad that touches on any subject deeper than a boxscore or whether the car needs gas is something that no man seeks out on his own volition, but in the charged atmosphere left behind by the heart-wrenching disturbance that is the final scene in Field of Dreams, any conversational slope can quickly tilt down towards the dual landmines of actual human connection and introspective analysis of the bond that exists between two men.
Check out this Manonizer How-To on getting through Field of Dreams with your dad in sweet, sweet silence.
1. Watch It On Mute
Do you really need to hear all that heartfelt dialogue? Can’t you just imagine rough voice grunting ‘ease his pain’ into your ear without the need to experience its tear-swelling cadence in Dolby 5.1 surround sound? Make your own soundtrack by taking turns reading the local police blotter out loud with your Dad until the movie’s over.
2. Stare At Your Phone The Entire Time
If you Dad has a phone, he can stare at his too, but if he doesn’t then it’s even better because he doesn’t understand technology, does he, and he’ll just assume his son’s doing something really important and not just playing Angry Birds so he doesn’t cry while watching two grown men play catch.
3. Die Before The Credits Roll
If you use a slow-acting toxin like arsenic instead of salt on your popcorn, chances are one of you will be dead before the oppressive need to fill the silence immediately after the end credits is shattered by a litany of patrimonial regrets and childhood feelings surfacing at exactly the wrong time.
4. Change The Channel
It’s not like you punched up Field of Dreams on Netflix, is it? No, you stumbled across it on basic cable while trying to find the game. Or maybe you came into the room and he was already watching it, and you succumbed to its magnetic pull of Costner’s emotional voyage to the center of his own heart. Either way there’s probably some sort of ball/stick/net sport on somewhere. Please. For the love of all that is holy. Let there be something else on.
5. Actually Go Play Catch With Dad
Or just run the car in the garage with the door closed. Whatever’s less damaging to your family.