Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall: You’re Fucking Bald

Man alopecia baldness or hair loss - Close up head two hands isolated

Losing your hair is essentially the worst thing that can ever happen to a man. Stretching back to the days of Samson and Delilah, so much of your virility, self-worth, and ability to attract even a modicum of interest from the opposite sex is locked up in your mane, and once it starts to go you might as well chemically castrate yourself and begin solemnly copying scrolls in a dark Benedictine monastery, or whatever it is that bald people do.

How to prevent this terrible plague from afflicting your scalp? How, indeed, to deny to the rest of the world that you’re more skin than man, now?  Read on, you bald fuck.

1. Just Wear A Bandana, All The Time (Even In The Shower)

Let’s face it: bandanas are the toupees of our modern times. Where it was once common for stand-up comedians to get a few laughs out of that rug on your head, today the discerning lockless lothario has replaced synthetic fibers with a polyester do-rag. So what if you look like Poison frontman Bret Michaels at your next job interview, or 1990-Axl Rose when washing your pits at the local Y – at least no one else can see the epidermal equivalent of Jupiter’s Red Spot on top of your skull.

2. Backwards Baseball Caps Work, Too

Just kidding. No they don’t.

3. Convince A Family Of Birds To Settle On Your Head

Not only will a nicely-thatched nest hide your bald spot, but attract the right species of endangered fowl and you’ll also qualify for an appealing range of eco-oriented tax breaks. Plus, you’ll get all the bird chicks.

4. Tattoo A Disturbingly Religious Symbol Over The Spot

Remember – you need this to be either so pious that it renders you saint-like, or so disturbingly graphic that no one will want to even think about your bald pate, let alone mention it in the conversation they most certainly won’t be having with you. Bonus points if you can think of a design that is easy to add to as your bald spot grows out of control, such as the seven levels of Hell, or perhaps a map to the Holy Grail, Cutthroat Island-style.

5. Black Permanent Marker

Because who doesn’t want to smell like the weird huff-shack down by the river where your older brother kept all his model glue and spray paint?

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