Movie Trailer Review: Assassin’s Creed

2:00 (120 seconds) playing on all screens with an Internet connection. Unrated, but features bloodless violence, and scenes of the undead. If there’s a nipple on screen from a person who identifies as a female, expect the rating to hit R.

In a surprise move, game developer Ubisoft has released the easiest and shortest version of its successful Assassin’s Creed video game series, in the form of a 2 minute long cinematic experience. Despite the lack of interactivity, Assassin’s Creed features its most life-like visuals to date, but it would have been nice to see some of the resources dumped into graphics be spent on the movie’s script instead.

I’ll break it down for you: this movie is inspired by a video game and is about a man who seems to live in a video game.

The plot revolves around a zombie played by Michael Fassbender, whom you will recognize from his notable turn as an emotionless android in the disaster that was Ridley Scott’s ‘Prometheus.’ This new flick sees him seemingly still caught up in that sobering role, as his character lives in a Matrix-like computer (?) system called the Animus. Here he is forced to re-enact the memories of some 500-year-old ancestor, for a cute science-y nurse whose motives seem really shady.

FassZombie gets uploaded into Spain during 1600s, where he’s outfitted with an emo cloak and gnarly wrist daggers. He’s also pleasantly welcomed into the Spanish Inquisition, which is something most of our history teachers glossed over. In this alternate universe re-enactment of Spain (or maybe hyper-accurate? thanks for not filling in the gaps, public school education), FassZombie is agile and capable of altering gravity, as seen when he slows down to land from several high, knee-breaking, yet dramatic jumps.

It seems that while he’s in the Animus he’s a member of a group of Assassins who seem all too eager to share that obvious fact. The club must be letting anyone in or perhaps be having some kind of open audition. The game-movie flashes between the Animus world and ‘real’ one, with the focus on some kind of strife tearing apart FassNeo’s captors.

Unfortunately due to the polished visuals, frame rates seem to drop quite often, leading to unbearably slow motion moments. Someone should update this rig powering this beast of a game, because it seems to slow down right in the thick of the action!

I tried looking for a more thorough walkthroughs or explanation for the trailer on GameFAQs, but came up with no answers. Maybe there’s some downloadable content on the way from Ubisoft that will make the whole thing easier to understand. This is trend that started with the Fast and the Furious franchise, as each successive release helped flesh out the characters, with the side effect of also lining the actors’ and movie studio’s pockets. Based on the vague details in the two minutes I watched, Assassin’s Creed may be gunning for that formula.

As a side note: a singer known as Kanye West recently debuted an album called “The Life of Pablo.” As a clear fan of Spanish artists, it’s only logical that Assassin’s Creed include West’s work “I am a God” in this trailer, which is from an older, 2013 album which didn’t reference Spain at all. This decision here could cost the crew from earning an Academy Award. Should have gone with Randy Newman, Ubisoft.

Although a beautiful use of two minutes, I’ll admit to knowing first hand that the Assassin’s Creeds games are typically several hours long, although that measure does include frustratingly repetitive sequences and game-play. The movie seems to maintain the tedium of the games through boring pans and linearity, not to mention copious close-ups of FassBot attempting to access his emoting algorithm. It also doesn’t up the quality of video game script writing. I give it 7 sexy fetish feet out of 10.

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