Open Carry: Your Ticket To Unchallenged Workplace Sarcasm

Businessman struggling to meet challenging deadlines

Haven’t you ever wanted diplomatic immunity for your super smart, funny and sarcastic comments around the office? You should be allowed to say things like “this project is draining me like a ShopVac stuck to my dick” without censorship from HR or disapproving, judging sighs from your colleagues, or a note on your desk telling you it’s time to start seeing the corporate shrink again.

And why shouldn’t you be allowed to crack jokes about Jim’s uncomfortably hot daughter, or David’s deadbeat son without repercussions? They’re not even lies or exaggerations! It’s just like, your truth, man.

Well don’t worry anymore, because I have a huge breakthrough piece of advice, especially since you are probably living in an Open Carry state. All you have to do is loudly proclaim to anyone who hears you that you’re so glad that you work in a world where “Open Carry is a thing,” and then adjust a lump under your sweater vest that’s shaped vaguely like a shoulder holster.

I mean, I guess your could even actually carry a gun if you wanted to get some bonus freedom to say whatever you want. But with this tip, you can actually suggest that corporate give you a rusty trombone when they dump a whole new load of bullshit on you, since everyone else in the office thinks you have your trusty licensed 9mm handgun dangling from your sweaty, hairy, stressed-out torso..

Of course our forefathers gave us the right to bear arms and we all know that Charlton Heston wouldn’t have escaped the Planet of the Apes without his arsenal of weaponry, so remember that it’s your duty to enjoy the wonderful confidence to do and say whatever you want, which only a firearm provides. What I’m saying is your gun is a ticket to a better work-life atmosphere. Guns make everything better. Fact: Guns ‘n Roses was a way better band than just Roses (or Axl and Buckethead). And Top Gun, while featuring no guns in the actual movie, is one of the best movies of all time. Video games are a relatively new medium that could probably use more guns. Ever played The Sims? If your Sims had guns, they’d be 100 percent happier. That’s a fact, too.

Speaking of apes, a recent semi-scholarly study confirms this phenomenon. Apes that were strapped with gats were more likely to speak their mind during traditional 9-5 work hours. This led to an astounding increase in monkey business. Armchair-anthropologists suggest this is due to the confidence provided by the weapons. Strapped chimps were quickly promoted from study subjects into circus acts by the end of the year and some were earning top billing at Ringling Brothers tents. Then the bankruptcy happened, and those highly trained animals hit the open market, disappearing into private armies around the world. Win some, lose some.

There’s no arguing the fact that guns are an important 21st century tool. Yes they can be used to help recycle beer cans placed on wooden fences and occasionally guns export freedom and America to less enlightened dots on the globe. Like nuclear warheads, guns are deterrents to injustice, censorship and actual violence, at least in the workplace.

So tell everyone the latest juicy gossip about the secretary’s new sleep apnea mask, and consider blurting out a snarky quip about the keeners who work overtime because they have no real lives. You’re in safe company when you live in an Open Carry state and workplace. Or when you have an army of private apes. Both are good.

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