Pocket Mansplaining Guide To: Car Repair
It can be difficult keeping the women in your life fully informed as to your competency on any given subject, which is why we’ve put together this series of pocket guides on how to mansplain your way out of whatever situation you might find yourself in. After all, what better method for proving your superiority over the opposite sex than by assuming their inability to comprehend reality at the same level as an adult male – and then sketching out a verbal road map that proves your point.
Check out this pocket mansplaining guide to car repair, and never get caught out when the conversation turns to all things automotive.
1. Be Patient. No matter how interested in cars she might seem, her chromosomal disadvantage will have kept her from steeping in the same sort of masculine auto-broth that you experienced as a child watching your father fling wrenches at the Camaro in your backyard while a downing a full twelve-pack. Smile and nod as she details her current engine rebuild project. Your moment will come.
2. Ask Polite Questions. Ask her what color her car is. Does she even have one? Did her boyfriend buy it for her? Does she ever get confused in traffic? Oh, wait she’s actually a mechanic? Then these perfect lead-ins will help you segue into an anecdote about how your mother’s car clock display blinked ’00:00′ until she called you over to apply a single line of electrical tape across the display. Lean back and smile contentedly at this revelation of your mechanical aptitude.
3. Impress Upon Her Your Deep Understanding Of What It Means To Be A Mechanic. Assume that she spends long hours caked in grease, breaking nails, and tolerating ‘lube-job’ jokes from customers. Make a ‘lube-job’ joke of your own. Feel free to use the word ‘lube job’ as many times as possible during the conversation. Ask her if she ever gets confused by how many different wrenches choices there are, like you do. Explain to her your system of just using vise-grips on everything. Suggest she try it out at her job. Be strident about this.
4. Don’t Get Too Detailed. When she asks you if you ever do any work on your car yourself, just say ‘yes,’ and punctuate your answer with the kind of self-confident laugh gifted to all mechanically-inclined men. If she asks you what kind of projects you’ve tackled, feign amusement that we still live in a world where men have to prove themselves to women in conversation on a topic as masculine as cars. Refer to some type of reverse-sexism. Play the victim. Locate an exit, and don’t let it out of your sight.
5. Make Your Move. When she finally asks you what kind of car you drive, just say ‘the one that’s on fire outside,’ and bolt for the previously-identified door.