Pretend To Care About Track And Field: 5 Easy Tips
The Olympics are here, which means it’s once again time to celebrate skill sets that were once relevant when attempting to outrun killer leopards and dire wolves on the plains of mankind’s rough first few thousand years on this rock, but which now serve merely as meat-based showcases for the finest undetectable designer drugs performance-enhancing chemists can provide.
Running in circles, hurling poles, leaping into pits of sand – nope, it’s not a kindergarten at recess, it’s Rio 2016, which means if you hope to be halfway conversant with your fellow soulless cubicle dwellers each morning, you’re going to have to pretend to care about track and field.
Check out these five easy tips that will make it seem like you enjoy, or even understand, the Olympic hype.
1. Raise The Stakes
Find a sharp stick on the way home from work, and whittle the point until it can draw blood. Poise the implement over your right knee while watching ESPN replays of track events you didn’t previously know existed. Every time someone falls, trips, or lands on their back, stab yourself in the knee.
2. Buy A Treadmill
If you don’t already have a treadmill, buy one and set it up in front of your TV. Once a race starts, leap into action and see how long you can match the pace before tachycardia takes you out of the running. Blame your ‘Cheetos training regimen’ should your spouse accuse you of acting irresponsibly. Cry later that night after everyone has gone to sleep.
3. Start Juicing
If you can’t go lap-for-lap with an Olympic runner, you can certainly go shot-for-shot. Hook up with Acne Bro at the gym, start shooting from bottles labeled exclusively in Cyrillic alphabets, and learn how to explain to your boss that your urine showed signs of ‘equestrian gonad syndrome.’
4. Make A Personal Connection
Just like many of the athletes on your screen, you, too, peaked at 21.
5. Move To Rio
Set up a tent in a favela, learn what running for your life really means, turn your back on your vanilla existence, do something that matters with what few days remain for you on this planet.