Quick Tip: Burn Yourself With Coffee To Get Out Of That Presentation

Quirky nerd business man in the throes of a coffee splash and dash. Quick coffee on the go

It’s 8:59 am, and you’re seconds away from having to explain to a corporate vice-president why your unit underperformed for the last three quarters. The trouble is, the real reason – you’ve been using your work computer to mine Bitcoins instead of move widgets – will get you fired, and you’re not creative enough of a liar to come up with a better excuse.

What can you do? You can burn yourself with boiling-hot coffee, that’s what you can do.

Make Sure Everyone’s Watching

If an underappreciated middle manager gives himself second-degree burns in the third-floor conference room, and no one is around to see it, did it really happen? In this age of viral video, you’re going to want to make sure you’re in the middle of a crowd when you do the deed, and that someone’s got their phone out to capture the glory of your bubbling skin.

Aim For The Eyes

A chin that’s been cratered like the moon by a cup of overheated coffee is grotesque, you’ll probably still have to load up your slide deck and tough it out. Eyes that have been blinded by super-hot caffeine, on the other hand, are your ticket to months, if not years of therapy on the company’s dime.

Make It Fun

Since it’s fall, why not get everyone’s spirits up by making sure you order a pumpkin spice latte that morning instead of your regular double-black cup ‘o joe? That way, when you’re writhing on the floor in agony, the gentle aroma of the nation’s favorite gourd can waft up and mix with the seared, acrid fleshy smell, triggering more than a few wry smiles from your co-workers. You’re such a prankster, they’ll think, as they pick up the cup and give it a quick sniff.

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