Reality Dating Show Audition Or Sex Cult Initiation? 5 Ways To Tell What The Fuck Is Going On, Man

Silhouette of hands with fire in form of heart when sweethearts

To tell you the truth, the first warning sign came when a way-too-hot-for-you woman swiped right on your profile – but you chose to ignore that, and now you’re on what you think is a date, but might actually be an audition for a reality TV show, or an initiation into a doomsday sex cult.

What the fuck are you going to do next? Check out these 5 tips that will either get you laid on camera, or laid six feet deep underground.

1. Did She Bring A Chaperone?

This clue’s not quite as clear-cut as we’d like it to be, because honestly that dude with the white-haired pony tail sitting with the two of your at the dinner table could be either her producer, or Orlock, the Immortal Spirit Guide of the House of Othoron. The easiest way to tell them apart? The producer won’t look you in the eye when he talks to you, while Orlock only communicates telepathically.

2. Is She Casually Setting Things On Fire With Her Mind?

When the candle went out between the two of you on the dinner table, did she just chuckle softly to herself and then light it back up with a snap of her fingers? When your steak arrived a little undercooked, did she generate a ball of flame in the palm of her hand and ‘send it’ into your meat until it was well done? When the waiter apologized for the error, was there dramatic music, a pause for reaction shots around the room, and then a single tear from his wide eyes before she set him on fire in front of you?

3. Did She Ask You To Sign A 30-Page Waiver?

Was it weird that 15 pages alone were dedicated to merchandising your likeness, while only a single paragraph talked about how to dispose of your remains after you have transferred your consciousness through ‘The Becoming?’ Pro-tip: a reality show is usually OK with your lawyer reading it through before you sign, while a cult is more interested in convincing you the only applicable court is the one Orlock runs in the basement of the local Denny’s (that he also owns).

4. Are You Being Shaved In The Back Of A Van?

You thought things were going well when she asked you if you wanted to ‘get out of here,’ but it turns out she only intended to take you as far as the parking lot before someone threw a hood over your head and dumped you in the back of a windowless Chevy van. When they finally took the blinders off, you realized that half your lower body had been shaved – an impressive achievement considering how bumpy the road was – while she videotaped the entire thing. This one’s a bit of a wash.

5. Have You Become Immortal?

Once all of your body hair was gone, and after you’d sat in the makeup chair for an hour, and then been given a single rose that you were told would ‘unify or crush the souls of those gathered in the studio audience,’ did you experience an incredible lightness of being that seemed to indicate you had gained immortality? Or did you have to deal with a more violent reaction to all of the Denny’s that she had fed you (‘Orlock gives me a discount’)? Either way, residuals are even more important now that you might live forever, so don’t ignore the syndication aspects of your holding deal.

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