Resist Big Ouija: 3 Alternate Methods for Contacting the Dead

Your great-great-grandfather didn’t achieve 17th-Level Masonic Henchman status just so you could roll-over for Big Ouija when it was time to get in touch with the afterlife. No, those days and nights he spent immersing you in the art of crossing spiritual borders as a boy aren’t about to go to waste simply because some dipshit at a house party broke out a Ouija board for shit and giggles after a few shots.

It’s time to break that cheap-ass board over your knee and show the folks around you how to REALLY get down with the dead. Check out these 3 ways to resist Big Ouija and still open a portal to something you barely understand and which will probably ruin the lives of everyone in the room, forever.

1. Baby Fat Candles

Ok, so you’ll probably have to turn to the dark web for this one, but if you want to get serious about contacting Auntie Jean so you can ask her where the fuck she hid the garage remote before she fell asleep behind the wheel driving home from church there’s really no better way than a candle made entirely of baby fat. Make sure to specify ‘human’ babies at check-out, because no one wants to talk to a ghost duck, do they?

2. Ambien Smoothies

Did the ancient druids have Ambien? Probably not, but they also didn’t have to deal with jet lag, deadlines at work, and the need to reach out and harness the power of the netherworld to impress Kim from Accounting at the weekend office team-building retreat. Find a blender, empty your prescription bottle into it, add some ice, and maybe a scoop of yoghurt or two, and voila: you’ll be talking to the dead in no time, or at the very least, having the paramedics who arrive on the scene thinking you’re dead. Just make sure not to throw in any kale, since no one, include the entire population of the spirit realm, likes kale.

3. Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation

The veil between the dead and the living is always easier to pierce if you’re already half-through yourself, so you might as well get off while you’re serving as the vessel for some foul spirit, right? Just make sure the guests put down plenty of paper towels, because that’s not ectoplasm leaking down your leg, is it?

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