Science Links Video Game Exposure To Reduced Libido
According to a recent study, there exists a direct correlation between excessive video game exposure and reduced libido amongst men aged 15-45. This phenomenon, which scientists have dubbed, “Xbox Cock-Block,” is a condition that affects more than 50 million young and otherwise healthy Americans.
Life coach and amateur spelunker Carl Jenkins claims to have discovered the root of this perplexing condition. “It starts rather innocently,” Carl, who is in no way a doctor, explains. “First the condition is mild and presents primarily as lethargy with an inexplicable hunger for Doritos and Code Red Mountain Dew. The patient still recognizes vestigial sexual desire for their partner, but gradually, excessive game play weakens even this primal biological connection to a point of virtual non-existence.”
Apparently there are several factors which have lead to the decline in carnal exploits. First and foremost, is the lack of physical activity and poor diet. “It’s astounding,” Jenkins continues, “How atrophied the subjects bodies can get, and yet their hand eye coordination is heightened to a point of superhuman ability.”
“It’s not uncommon, to see a young male subject ‘pwn’ his virtual counterparts, chirp his compatriots on his headset, yell at his girlfriend that he’ll just be another 10 minutes, while simultaneously pounding back a party size bag of Flamin’ Hot, Crunchy Cheetos. It’s a level of multi-tasking seldom seen outside of multi-tab porn browsing.”
Miraculous although these feats may be, they are far from the kind of impressive digital plumage required to woo a member of the opposite sex. Another contributing factor to the steady decline in libido, is the unrealistic female representation in video games. When asked about the desire for pixelated booty above real booty, behavioural psychologist and cribbage enthusiast Gale Birchman had this to say.
“I blame most of it on Lara Croft. No, not only the sliding popularity of peg-and-board-base games like you’d find behind the toaster at a rental cottage and then spend the next 25 minutes vainly trying to understand their arcane rule-set. I’m talking about Croft’s seemingly god-like tolerance to cold. She’s wandering around on a snowy mountain in a tank top! A GOD-DAMNED TANK TOP! She kills like 50 guys all wearing oversized parkas and never once thinks to steal one off a corpse?
Birchman’s of the opinion that Croft’s depiction of exothermal norms has created societal expectations for women that are virtually impossible to meet. “She gives men this ridiculous representation of what women are all about. How can a real female possibly live up to that? I mean, I need a sweater in my office or the AC makes me pierce two dime sized holes through the first layer of my clothing, with my razor nipples, and yet this chick frolics through a blizzard wearing a body suit!? It’s just not right!”
Science aside, statistics don’t lie. Thumb-related carpal tunnel diagnosis and snack consumption are both up 500% from just three years ago, whereas downloading slow jams, gym memberships and condom sales find themselves at an all time low.