Should You Use The Pet Sematary To Bring Her Back?

Single Or Divorced Woman Alone Missing A Boyfriend

It’s the choice any man faces at least once in his lifetime: should he invoke the unspeakable power of the Pet Sematary to bring back a lost loved one? Is it worth rolling the dice on her soul being replaced by that of a homicidal demon unleashed into a world of terror made flesh? Or should you just leave the shovel at home and maybe not disinter and then re-bury your recently-deceased flame in ground that the Micmac say has gone sour?

Here’s three important questions that should help make the decision easier.

1. Was She A Good Kisser?

Before she died, we mean. Because it’s tough to find someone on this mortal coil who can light your whole body up with just a brush of their lips. Of course, once she comes back from the Pet Sematary, those same luscious smackers are more likely to rot and fall off if you attempt to get French. Then she’ll most likely bite you, claw out your eyes, and dismember your corpse.

2. Was She Physically Stronger Than You?

If she wasn’t capable of bench pressing your combined body weight before you lugged her coffin to the Pet Sematary, well, you can expect her to be fantastically strong now that’s she back. We’re talking brain-damaged gorilla strong. Mecha-Godzilla level. Can you handle that level of inequality in a relationship, or will you text ‘it’s over’ to her the first time she picks up a car and throws it at your head?

3. Did She Speak Ancient Aramaic?

If your relationship was based around a mutual love for long-dead tongues not spoken since a time when spirits with a taste for human souls roamed the Earth, then a visit to the Pet Sematary probably won’t have much of an impact on your love vibe. If you aren’t used to hearing her speak in a voice that harnesses the screams of a thousand damned and tortured victims, however, maybe you should just move to a different town and start a new life.

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