So This May Have Turned Into A Kidnapping: 3 Ways To Reel Things Back In

Male chauffeur with woman on back seat gets into car crash and m

It’s happened to all of us: you meet someone at a party, you seem to hit it off, and a fun evening of conversation quickly escalates into a confusing late-night car ride where the object of your affection has been replaced by the daughter of a powerful mafia boss who is now being held against her will in the back seat of a borrowed limousine.

How did you get here? More importantly, how are you going to get out? Here’s how to reel that potential kidnapping back in before you end up at the bottom of the river, or in federal custody for the rest of your life.

Remember, the clock is ticking.

1. Try To Build A Bond With Your Victim Passenger

Do you have any common ground other than the fact that neither of your quite understands how things escalated to the point where her incredibly powerful and angry father is screaming things at you over a burner phone you didn’t even know you owned? Maybe you studied the same things in college, or had similar hopes and dreams before fate decided to slam your lives together like a pair of demolition derby drivers at a county fair. Try to at least learn her name.

2. Feign Amnesia

You don’t really remember how you got into this chauffeur’s uniform, or where you found the limo you’re driving, so why not simply extend that ‘amnesia’ to the rest of your life as well? It’s a surefire way to transform a terrifying situation into a journey of mutual self-discovery as your prisoner companion guides you back towards understanding that the suitcase filled with guns in the front seat totally isn’t yours.

3. Live Tweet The Entire Episode

Could you realistically claim the entire thing was just a publicity stunt for your failing blog? Or maybe that terrible Vine series that no one watched because you decided to show off your Esperanto skills? Perhaps you could just send out a few ‘sponsored tweets’ just before you ditch the car behind a Wal-Mart and try to hide inside the camping and sporting goods section until the heat dies down. Remember not to geo-tag.

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