So You Punched A Bouncer: 3 Ways To Die With Grace and Dignity
How many drinks did it take before you decided you’d had enough of the bouncer looking at your girl from across room? Or maybe it was the smart-ass way he said ‘how you doing?’ when you walked into the club that festered in the back of your mind for an hour until liquid courage convinced your body to do a really, really stupid thing?
It really doesn’t matter now, does it, because you just tagged him on the jaw with the weakest right hook in the history of the universe. And now you’re going to die.
Here’s how to do it with dignity.
1. Take As Many Others With You As Possible
You’re going to eat it, and eat it hard, but just before that happens you’re going to want to surround yourself with the biggest crowd of people that you can. As soon as the beatdown begins, don’t even bother trying to fight back or defend yourself – just flail around like a madman and draw as many innocent bystanders into the mix as possible. Think of this strategy as equal parts ‘human shield’ and ‘legend builder’ as you collapse into a swirling maelstrom of chaos, and eventual unconsciousness.
2. Make Sure Your Affairs Are In Order
You probably don’t have a notary app on your phone, but that doesn’t mean you can’t verbally dictate your last will and testament into Snapchat just before the bouncer connects the incredible kinetic power of his knuckles with the soft, almost baby-like bones in your skull. Make sure to add it to your ‘story,’ too, so that lawyers and trustees will be able to consult with your final wishes for more than just 10 seconds at a time.
3. Fill Your Mouth With Cherries
It’s really hard to find a bar that keeps a bowl of rose petals handy at all times, but most will have a jar full of maraschinos that you can snag just before you swan dive to the floor. As your face arcs its way from the point of impact with the bouncer’s knee to the ground, spit out the cherries you’ve been keeping in your cheeks for just such an occasion. Their bright red rainbow will serve as your beautiful John Woo moment before the darkness takes you to the nearest and/or cheapest emergency room.