So You Woke Up Taking A Shit In A Stranger’s House – 3 Survival Tips
How many times has this happened to you? You slowly fade in from the black emptiness of your unconscious mind to find yourself sitting in a stranger’s bathroom, pants around your ankles, straining like a champion to release the mightiest of bowel movements. The previous 12 hours are just a blur, but you’re pretty sure you’ve never been inside this house before, and that there’s a strong chance you’re about to commit the ultimate ‘nasty trespass.’
What the fuck are you going to do now? There’s no stopping the literal and figurative shitstorm that’s about to occur, but keep a clear head and follow these tips and you just might stay out of jail.
1. Make Sure You’re Actually On The Toilet, Bro
Before you lose all ability to control the muscles in your sphincter you need to make absolutely certain that your squatting over the porcelain bowl, and not about to drop deuce in the sink, shower stall, or tub. You can’t trust anything about the sequence of events that led to this moment – for all you know, you broke into this person’s house so you could weigh your shit on their bathroom scale and settle some bizarre bet you made with a homeless person behind the bar – so verify before evacuating.
2. Is That Potpourri? SET IT ON FIRE!
You’ll buy a few more moments to plan your escape if you can cover your noxious ass-emissions with some kind of distracting aroma. Forget Febreeze – there’s nothing stronger in the average bathroom than flaming potpourri. If you don’t have a lighter on you, your next best bet is to mix all of the cleaning chemical under the sink together and hope that the resulting reaction releases a cloud of haze that can hide your presence in their home like some kind of unstoppable mountain shit gorilla while also masking the scent of what you clogged their pipes with.
3. Fashion A Crude Mask Out Of Towels
You remember when you were in Mexico on vacation at that resort, and every afternoon when you came back to your room from the beach the maid had sculpted an amazing swan, or turtle, or elephant from your bath towel and wash cloth? You don’t possess anything like the creativity to pull something like that off, but at the very least you can probably put together some kind of head-and-face covering that resembles a cross between a turban and a rejected screen test for Fruit of the Loom’s Call of Cthulu horror flick. The key thing here is to cover any identifying marks like yours eyes, your mouth, or that weird dark spot on your dick. You did remember to pull up your pants before making a break for it out of the front door, right bro?