Sober Bros: Your Key To Passing Workplace Drug Tests

Doctor

Piss-tests are a pain in the ass, especially since it’s clear that the modern man can’t achieve greatness in this world without a carefully-calculated cocktail of caffeine/THC/Adderal/hydroxy-4-androsten coursing through their veins 24/7. How are you supposed to achieve your maximum potential if the miracle of chemistry is denied to you by workplace policies that seem stuck in the era of the unassisted 80-hour week?

Sober bros, that’s how. We all have one – and if you don’t, now’s the perfect time to cultivate the friendship that could set you in a course to the corner office. Here’s how to groom that perfect urine-sharing soul mate.

Meet At Yoga. Half the dudes in the yoga class you just signed up for are as buzzed as you are and are just there to scope out some tight butts while waiting for their kid to finish up their after-school swimming program at the Y. The remaining bros are evenly split between hippies who probably grown their own and can’t help you, man, and guys who’ve been to the edge, scared themselves straight, and now chase wheat germ with water after a long day of cleansing. You can usually identify them as the bros sweating more than anyone else has ever sweat in the history of yoga, because they drink so many fucking liquids (which will become a bonus later on).

Build A Friendship. Chat after each session while you’re rolling up your mats. ‘Bump into them’ after memorizing their post-yoga itinerary and route home after three days of surveillance. ‘Show up’ at their workplace making a ‘delivery.’ Laugh about all the coincidences. Don’t mention urine.

Invite Him Over. You know, for a BBQ, or to watch ‘the game,’ but definitely not to piss in a plastic cup for you while you wait outside the bathroom door. That comes later.

Drop A $50 Bill In His Lap. Do it while handing him yet another glass of water. Make no move to pick it up. Laugh lightly, like you’re startled too. Maintain eye contact.

Delicately Broach The Topic. Talk about what a drag ‘the man’ is. Ease the conversation around to how invasive piss tests are. Are the unconstitutional? Of course they are. Mention your glaucoma. Yeah, you got this.

Don’t Piss Yourself. He knows how to pee. No need to show him.

Personalize His Container. Add his name, and maybe the logo of his favorite sports team. Make sure to draw it in a shitty way, though, so he knows it’s a joke. Don’t show him all the other containers you made for piss-buddies that didn’t work out. Maybe it’s time to through those away.

Keep It Chill. Once you’ve got the sober bro on lockdown, don’t ask him to piss every week. Try to keep it casual and space it out over the course of a few months. Build up your stock. If he starts finding excuses not to come over, just sit on his front steps with a gallon of Gatorade. Smile. Never forget to smile. And don’t keep the urine in the break room fridge at work. That’s bush league. Bury it under a stone marker behind your house, deep enough so that it’s a continuous 40-degrees Fahrenheit.

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