Team-Building Gone Wrong: 3 Ways To Get Free Before The Tide Comes In

Businessman with his burden

When you agreed to let your subordinates blindfold you as part of a ‘team-building’ exercise at the corporate picnic this past weekend, you couldn’t have predicted that the afternoon would end up with you being securely bound to a rock a half-mile from shore, without another human being in sight.

Or maybe, if you really thought about it, you definitely could have foreseen this particular outcome. Maybe, if you ever really thought about anything in your life, you wouldn’t have spent the last four consecutive quarters antagonizing your staff with endless TPS reports, bizarre email chains, mandatory overtime, and something you called ‘the Boo-Box’ (which was really just the supply closet with a strobe light).

What the hell are you going to do now? Here’s three tips to break free before you end up with a lungful of saltwater.

1. Befriend A Passing Dolphin

This is going to take all of the managerial skill you can muster, because not only are you going to have to communicate with another species, you’re also going to have to tamp down on your panic while the water rises around you to the point where you have a chance to encounter one of these magnificent saviors. Try not to be an asshole – or touch their blowholes, because they’re really sensitive about that. Don’t’ even LOOK at the blowhole dude – oh no, it’s in your head now, isn’t it – you’re TOTALLY going to look!

2. Do You Really Need All Of Your Limbs?

Remember that scene in ‘Lethal Weapon’ where Mel Gibson dislocated his shoulder a bunch of times to get out of sticky situations? This is like that, except instead of ‘dislocate,’ you’re going to have to ‘sever’ whatever limb you can most easily reach with your teeth. Or you could wait for a shark to do it.

3. Isn’t It Better This Way?

Let’s be honest: what’s really waiting for you back there on dry land? A hostile board room? A family that barely remembers what your face looks like? A rock-solid relationship with the concierge at every Holiday Inn Express on the east coast? Better to sink slowly under the gentle, ravenous waves of the sea and start again in the kingdom of Atlantis, where perhaps your stock options will finally vest.




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