The 4 Heart Attacks You’ll Have On The Way To Executive VP

Better hope there's a defibrillator in that bottle.

Better hope there’s a defibrillator in that bottle.

The corporate ladder is rickety, and the rungs aren’t always evenly spaced, but you don’t care – you’re determined, talented, and driven to succeed in a way that makes your colleagues cross themselves in the corporate kitchen nook. On your journey to the top you’ll have to make sacrifices, and that doesn’t just mean family, friends, and a life outside the office: we’re also talking about your cardiovascular health.

Each and every heart attack is like a beautiful snowflake, unique to the set of professional goals you’ve given everything about yourself to achieve. If man wasn’t intended you to be wearing a pacemaker by the age of 46, then why do we have all those extra ventricles, right?

Here are the four heart attacks you’ll have on the way to executive VP.

1. Your Son’s 6th Birthday Party

A house full of six year olds screaming, throwing cake at each other, and opening presents isn’t going to stop you from filing that SEC report just under the wire. Years later, little Bobby will confide in his therapist that he’s always been grateful that the sounds of childish merriment covered your choked groans and the sound of your body hitting the floor in your den. He just wishes his best friend Ken hadn’t found you face-down on the floor. Maybe that’s why he’s still working at the car wash at the age of 34.

2. On The Corporate Jet Coming Back From Houston

That forced landing at Dulles was a badge of honor that you wore proudly at the next board meeting.  Was that a look of subtle approval on the face of the CEO when you Skyped with him from the hospital room? The training wheels are off, kid – welcome to the big boy myocardial infarction club.

3. That Family Vacation In Hawaii

They told you that the sand on the beach cushioned your fall, and that’s the only reason you didn’t break your orbital bone.  You swore you’d never throw another Frisbee again as you stared up into the deep blue Pacific sky from the paramedic’s body board.  Your family didn’t visit you in the hospital, but the morphine made that OK.

4. In Your Office, Alone, On A Saturday Night

Weekends in February are great for catching up on work – the office is quiet, with all the other losers spending time at home instead of relentlessly clawing their way forward.  It’s a good thing you knocked your desk phone to the floor as your flailed in pain, because you were able to hit ‘speaker’ and dial 911. As you wait for security to let the first responders into the building, you smile to yourself, with a mouth full of carpet. It tastes just like you imagined the executive suite would.

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